I've been thinking about how to answer this without being selfish or sounding conceited. Saying something like..I could live without having to pay bills, or I could live without the extra weight I'm caring around. Let's be realistic though. No one is ever NOT going to have bills. We all have them, it's part of being an adult. I suppose the only way to avoid them would be to live homeless on the streets, and from my POV, I would much rather pay my bills and have a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs, food in the pantry and a vehicle in the driveway, than live on the streets with no bills.
As for my weight, that is my own conceited, selfish, want. I have lost weight, but not enough for my liking, and until I feel like I have lost enough, it simply won't be enough. I assume, even then there will be different "wants" from going from one extreme weight to another, but that will have to be a bridge I cross when/if I reach my ideal weight.
So if I am going to do this honestly, like I promised from the beginning, then I have to dig deep. I have to get passed the "wants" and figure out what I need to live without, because that's really what this is about, if you're digging deep. What do I not only want but need to live without? Anxiety.
I know that living without anxiety in my life completely and totally is out of the question. Everyone has some level of anxiety. I think to some extent a small level is even healthy, it keeps you on your toes, doesn't let you get bored. My level of anxiety on the other hand is not a "keep you on your toes, don't let you get bored" kind of anxiety. It's more like a "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" kind of anxiety. I'm the kind of person that can come up with 100 if not 1,000 "what ifs" and not the good kind, for any situation in about 2 minutes.
That was part of starting this blog for me, learning to look at things in a new way, learning to see the good before the bad, or to avoid seeing the bad altogether. I can assure you I am no where near avoiding looking at the bad things, but I am concentrating on seeing the good. I even manage to focus on the good before the bad on occasion. It doesn't happen all the time, I wouldn't even say I'm up to 1/2 the time yet, but I am A LOT closer than I was 6 months ago, and I'm doing better now than 3 months ago. Each day is a step in the right direction. Sometimes there are days when I feel like I have taken a step back, and some days when I feel like I have taken 3 giant leaps forward.
I know I'm making progress, and that is a great thing. That doesn't mean I wouldn't love to wake up tomorrow and not have to fight this battle. Sure that would be the easy way out, sure I wouldn't learn as much if I woke up and no longer had to fight my anxiety demons everyday in everything I do, but I can't say I wouldn't take the offer, that would be a lie. I also know that there is no quick fix, and I won't wake up tomorrow free and clear no matter how much I want to or wish to, so it's okay for me to be honest and say I'd take the deal since there is no deal to take. The truth of the matter is I have to do this the had way. I have to take the long road and work through it each and everyday. I have to take a step back to take 3 leaps forward. That's just the way it works, and as long as I continue to make progress, I am going in the right direction. If I start to feel myself slipping back into old patterns, reverting back to letting the anxiety control me rather than me attempting to control the anxiety, then I know I have a bigger issue at hand.
In the mean time, progress is progress, no matter how slow the road I travel to get to where I need to be, I am headed in the right direction at my speed. That's why it's working so far. I am pushing myself, but I know when to say when without giving up.
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