Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Day 06-Something you hope you never have to do

This is easy.  I hope, and pray that I never have to bury my husband or my son.  I never want to be presented with an American flag folded in a triangle while I stand cloaked in black with tears streaming down my face.  I never want to see a coffin so small it should never exist, or even one bigger than me if it means that it is designed for the one who was born to me.

I know that at some point I have to face the reality that my parents will pass away, but they are still young, so I hope it is not something I have to deal with for a VERY long time.  I try not to think of the day I will lose one or both of them and my world as I have known it comes to a crashing halt.  For now, I just want to enjoy the time I do have with them and be thankful that they are young enough to enjoy so many things in our lives.  I hope that even as they age they remain young at heart and continue to remain as big a part of our lives from afar as they are from a mile away.

As for Gunnar, I don't think a parent should ever have to deal with the loss of their child.  I know this is not realistic and that it does happen.  I know people it has happened to.  I just don't believe I would survive the loss of my child.  I don't say that lightly or in jest, I say it because I mean it.  There are people that are stronger than I, but I can only hope and pray I never have to have my strength tested in this way.

My husband is also my life, but in a different way.  He doesn't depend on me for his everyday needs, nor I for mine.  Yet if I were to lose Curt I would still have the responsibility of raising Gunnar.  I would have no choice but to keep going.  I know if I sat down and really thought about it, I would come to the conclusion that losing me and Gunnar would be detrimental to Curt and I would need to re-evaluate what I said above, but I just cannot bare the though of either to be completely honest.

In light of Curt's recent career change I know that it is something that losing my husband is a very real possibility, and if mu son continues with his desire to join the Army and follow in his father's footsteps, then losing Gunnar before myself would too be a very real possibility depending on what the next 12+ years brings in our world. 

Yet if I sit here and dwell on the "what ifs" of possibly losing the 2 most important people in my life, I never would have made the leap into becoming an Army wife.  The fact of the matter is, if I want to sit here and play the "what if" game, I know full well that I could lose either one of them any day that I wake up in any random way.  A car crash, plane crash, fluke accident, random medical issue, I've watched 1001 ways to die, I could name many more, but I don't see the need.  I'm done with the "what if" game. 

Yes what Curt does is dangerous, but what he did before was too.  No he wasn't using M-16's and grenades in his last job, no he didn't have a high risk of being deployed overseas, but there were other risks he took on a daily basis, and if I focused on those I never would have let him out of the house.

If I thought of all the possible things that could harm Gunnar when he is out of my grasp, out of my sight, the poor kid would be a hermit and home schooled with no life. 

So I have to take the stance for all our sakes, that there is a plan for our lives that is predestined and that the people that I love most, the people that keep me going, will be here as long as possible, and hopefully until after I am long gone.

There it is, I hope and pray that I never have to lose the people I hold dear to me.  I know that some will be inevitable, but I hope that is a long ways off and that I am a stronger version of me by that time.

No comments:

Post a Comment