Bittersweet Tears of Joy

I knew being an FRG leader was going to have it's ups and downs, and I knew it wasn't going to be easy.  I also knew there were people far better suited for the slot, but I have a weakness for those in need, and at the time we (we being our FRG) were in need of a new leader.  So I did what I do best and volunteered myself, my family and my time for something I was only mildly familiar with.  

I had been volunteering unofficially with the FRG since we moved here in May, but nothing like the magnitude I was about to take on.  I took over in January and held my first meeting in February.  I was very fortunate to take over from a dear friend and she has helped me immensely along the way.  I've learned a lot from this experience, and I learn more each day and with each meeting, each fundraiser, each organizational day.  Each new thing brings it's own challenges.  

I have the privilege to meet and get to know our soldiers on a more personal level than most, and I also have the opportunity to have better relationships with their spouses, ans sometimes even a few parents.  I'm not sure how much this has to do with my role as an FRG leader, or how much it has to do with the people Curt and I communicate with outside of his work, but either way I feel very fortunate to be able to interact the way I do.

I told you that so you can understand why today was so bittersweet for me and why replaying the day in my head even now the tears are falling as I type.  Today was homecoming for main body.  For me that means the 6 soldiers from our unit that had deployed a few months ago to assist with equipment came home, and the soldiers from other units that had been deployed much longer also came home.  Being that some of my dear friends were returning, I had planned on being at the homecoming anyway.  As the FRG leader I was also there to show my support.

Here's where the hard part comes in...my husband is not part of main body and was not returning today.  Our first homecoming was not for Curt.  Now no matter how much of a planner I am and how much I want to see how things work first, some things are sacred (I think) and going to a homecoming without your spouse while he is deployed, I can no officially say is no bueno.  

I'm not in anyway saying it was all bad.  I was so happy to be able to be there to show my support, and I would do it again in a heartbeat.  I just had a really hard time watching everyone come in and find their significant other and watch them embrace and their kids get so excited, while G and I were missing and hurting.  It sucked having to keep it together and I even had to rush to the bathroom so no one would see the tears starting to fall....that was an epic fail!

I'm not writing this for pity, I don't want any ones pity.  We made the decision for Curt to join the Army, we made the decision for him to deploy, we've made each of these decisions together.  Please don't pity me for decisions we have made.  I am not pitying myself, I write because it helps me deal.  It's my blog, for me...not for anyone but me.

My tears are done falling, and my day was bittersweet.  Welcome Home Bravo....See you soon Honey....Goodnight World

I'm Missing Me

I'd say it's hard to believe I haven't written since January, but it's not.  Just as I had begun to find myself, my way, my footing in my new life, I just as quickly seem to have lost it.  "It" being the version of myself I was finally starting to like, the one who had some grounding, the one who had found her voice.  Somehow my voice has slipped away in the simple day to day chaos I have created for myself.  There it lies, in that statement alone, I have created it for myself.   

No one did this to me, no one chose this for me.  No one but me, myself and I made the decisions that have led me astray from where I was and where I want to be.  

Now is the time for change.  I used to be terrified of change, it was part of why I never wanted to be a military wife.  I never wanted my life to change so drastically so constantly, yet I find solace in knowing or rather expecting change now.  It's why Curt and I are forever talking about the umpteen possibilities that may or may not affect us.  It's also why he can answer a call to deploy in less that the required 3 minutes requested for a call back with an answer.  We've already talked about this very scenario and what would he like to do, how would I feel, how would we feel as a family, etc.  For me it makes the impending changes that much easier to bare.  Poor Curt I'm sure gets sick of talking them to death, but he knows it puts me at ease and God bless my husband, he would give me the world (and often does) so he continues to talk things out.  Even over Skype with the lousy connection and video like a bad Chinese movie, he still hashes things out with me.  It's amazing how much he helps me, he truly is always exactly what I need exactly when I need it and he always has been.

I also find solace in the things I know I can keep the same.  It's why I can find the salt and pepper or the green towels with my eyes closed during a blackout.  Some call me OCD and that's okay with me as long as I can put it back where it goes.

Here again I've managed to veer off, away from what's really going on.  It seems to be the trend in my life lately.  So I need to get back to me, or at least figure out who I am now.  One thing I am certain of is that I am forever changing.  Who I was 5 years ago is not who I am today.  Sometimes I slide backwards and I need to take some time to reevaluate my priorities and my own happiness, because in the end myself and my family are the ones I made vows to and who will be in my forever.