Thursday, February 3, 2011

Day 01-Something you hate about yourself

Let me start by saying I was taught not to hate.  Not people, not places, not things.  My mom liked to tell us growing up that we were "too young to hate" and to this day if the word slips from my lips that same phrase will come from her mouth.  I have even said the same thing to my own son.  Yet I find it so easy to hate things about myself.  I could easily make this about something impersonal that I hate like my weight.  Yes I hate my weight, sure most women can relate to that feeling, but that's not what this question is really about.  What is it about me that I struggle with on a daily, minute by minute basis that I have tried but failed to change to I truly hate?  This is the truth challenge, so it's the truth you're going to get. 

I hate my neuroticness (if this is a word), my anxiety, my inability to enjoy the simple things because I am too worried about what may or may NOT happen,  now, in 20 minutes, or in 20 years.  It rules my life.  Every second of every minute of every day.  You may think I am being dramatic, but don't judge me until you live an hour in my brain.  Screw a mile in my shoes, that won't show you a damn thing, it's my brain that's the issue.

I am so high strung because of what I perceive, what I assume, and what I worry about.  Things I can't do anything about.  Things in the future, things in the past, seemingly everything but the present.  I have this uncanny inability to let go and just be in the moment that we are in.  It's a horrible feeling to lack enjoyment in things because you can only focus on the potential for problems to come.  It's a horrible feeling to feel like you hold your child back from being a child because of your own insecurities.  To fear fear is indescribable.  It's like a private hell inside your own head that you cannot get out of.  A world filled with constant worry and dread...of everything and anything.  Did I turn the stove off, is that car going to stop for the red light when I get the green, did Gunnar have a good day or a bad, is there enough food in the house, is there enough money in the bank, what if I don't make it here, what if I don't make it there, what if I don't do this, what if I don't do that, what if I do do this, what if I do, do that, what if I say no, what if I say yes, what if, what if, WHAT IF?  I live in a constant world of did I, can I, and what ifs. 

Did I want to tell you this?  NO!  Did I want to admit just how bad it is?  NO!  I try to hide it, from some I can, and from some I can't, Curt, my parents, people that know me inside and out, but those of you who are just getting to know me, or those who only know me on a social level don't see what they see, and not even they really see

I want to say that I wasn't always like this, but if I did I'd be lying.  The truth is I think I just wasn't always this bad.  Either I hid it better or it's gotten worse or both, but this is about the truth, so the truth is that in some way I have always been this way, just not to this extreme.  The other truth is that it has gotten better to some extent.  I have been working very, very hard to try not to focus so what I cannot change, what I cannot fix, and what I cannot do anything about in the immediate or near immediate time frame.  The problem lies in that I have to block those things that I cannot change, fix or do anything about from my conscious mind in order for me remain sane, well as sane as I can be.

So I set out on this challenge in a blog that I write about small victories, and I said I was going to relate these to past, present or future victories, and so I will.  I can honestly say I have come a long way from a few years ago, even a few months ago, but I have a very long road ahead of me.  I don't anticipate I will ever not have anxiety or be at minimum mildly neurotic, but I want to set a goal, or goals as it may be, to get to a more livable me.

Here goes...I want to get back into counseling.  I can't do it right now with Curt gone and work and Gunnar.  Please don't see this as an excuse, it simply is not humanly possible to do it with my work schedule and my son, and frankly my child will ALWAYS come first.  I also need my job until we move, so it is what it is.  When we move and I am in the process of looking for a new job, I can delve back into therapy.  It's something that helped me a great deal before and I think I can really work on some things with the right therapist. 

In the mean time, I need to focus, really focus, on what I can do, and not what I can't do.  I need to look at things in a more positive manner.  That's why I started this blog.  I wanted, and still do, want to view my life, my world, the things around me, the people I live and work with, the people I love and friends I have through different eyes, not through rose colored glasses, but through realness.  No more fantasy, or black and white, but truth, good, bad or indifferent. 

I want to gain some kind of control of the whirl wind that is my mind.  I know therapy will help, but in the mean time writing seems to be the next best thing, so I would like to make a valiant effort to do more of it.  Even if it means that I need to create a separate blog because not everything can be a victory and sometimes I just need to get the uglies out too.

So although I have come a long way, I have even further to go.  Wish me luck, this truly is a challenge of the truth, who knew telling yourself the truth would be so hard....

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