Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Day 26-Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Day 26-Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

I'll be completely honest here.  This is a question I would rather not answer, but I committed to this, so I will.  I don't feel the need to go into great detail.  The past is the past for a reason.  I know that I have learned from my past and the people that have helped me through my darkest hours know that I am in a MUCH better place now.  That is what truly matters.

The honest answer is yes.  I don't believe the why and when actually matter that much.  I believe what really matters it that I am still here.  It takes much more courage to get through the time or times you feel you want to give up than it does to actually act on or commit the act of giving up.  True courage is fighting through the hard times, no matter how bad they are so you can make it to the next good times because before you know it the good times become great times.

I was raised with the understanding that the most selfish act a person can commit is suicide.  I believe this to be true, even in my darkest hours, what kept me alive was the thoughts of how deeply I would hurt those I love if I were to hurt or kill myself.  The thoughts of the lifetime of damage I would do to my son if he were to have to live no only without a mother, but with the stigma of having a mother who committed such a heinous act.  Thoughts of how Curt would feel, or how he would raise our son, the child we created together, alone.  Thoughts of my parents and my sister and how angry they would be, and then how hurt, and then angry again.  I don't think my family would ever be able to completely grieve a loss of that type because of how they feel about this subject.  I don't believe they would ever get over the anger and hurt and be able to fully grieve that loss.

I can say this all in hindsight, but at the time I just knew now matter what, now matter how much I hurt, now matter how hard I believed things were, there was another way, a better way.  So whatever I thought about, I want to make it clear, I never acted on any of these thoughts.  The bottom line is I love my family too much to hurt them like that and I know that they will always be there to get me through.

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