Day 07-Someone who has made your life worth living for

I'm sure you're going to find some redundancy in this, so bare with me.  The truth of my life, and who has made an impact, good and bad tends to be redundant.

There are many people who have made my life worth living for at different times, but there are 2 people that have been a constant in that, 1 for nearly 9 years now, and 1 for 6.5 (unless you count gestation, and then you can add another 34 weeks and 6 days).  You probably guessed I'm talking about Curtis and Gunnar.  I cannot pick just one, and I won't.  Without Curt I wouldn't have Gunnar and without Gunnar well life wouldn't be the same I can say that!

Let's start with Curt.  He and I started dating at a time when I needed someone who was going to really be there for more.  Someone who was going to stick around through thick and thin, no matter what craziness I was going through.  We had known each other for a while, but it was more of an acquaintance type relationship.  We had people in our lives in common who were both important to us, so our paths crossed quite a bit, but we never spent time alone together.  That is until the day I invaded his life.  If you think I'm joking, I'm not. 

For those of you who don't know, I'll give you a brief background.  One of my best friends in high school had a family who did foster care.  I became very close with his family and all the kids in the home.  Some of the kids, like my friend were biological children, some were current foster children and some were prior foster children.  The house was always booming with people and food and more people.  I loved being there and helping with the kids.  In 1998 after Curt graduated he moved from northern California to Arizona, and moved into this home.  He was not a foster child.  His mother and my friends mother had been best friends growing up and when Curt wanted to leave his home town, his mom made a call, and Curt came to AZ as the newest member of the ever expanding family.  No one was ever turned away, and Curt surely wouldn't be the first.

So this is when our paths began to cross.  I didn't think much of it at the time.  He started dating my best friends little sister, who I was also very close to, so that made him off limits.  I didn't give it another thought.  I'd smile or wave if I passed him in the house or on the property, but I don't think I uttered more that a "hi" to him.  Soon after, that dear friend of mine that Curt was dating passed away in a terrible car wreck.  None of us were the same after we lost her.  I graduated high school not long after and moved (or ran away as my mom refers to it) to New Jersey.  I kept in close contact with the family, specifically one of  my friends little sisters.  I called her once a week or so to check in.

I came back to AZ after my own car wreck in 2000.  I went through a series of bad relationships until I ended up moving in with one of them.  In March of 2002 I needed out of the relationship and the place I was living.  My parents and I agreed that although they would not turn me away in my time of need, living with them was not the best idea after having been on my own, and with the frame of mind I was in.  My friends parents welcomed me with open arms, just like every other child that has passed through and continues to pass through their home.

I pulled up to the house, just like I had done on countless occasions, only this time was different.  This time I was there to stay.  As I pulled up and parked in my "usual" spot I had to dodge the 2 people playing basketball and I remember thinking how amazingly good looking the older guy was and how sweet it was he was playing with one of the kids.  It didn't occur to me to wonder who he was because so many people passed through the house on a daily basis I was lucky to know half of their names, and most were a relation of some sort.  I grabbed a few of my things and headed into one of the girl's rooms where I would be sleeping.  That's when I asked who was playing outside.  I was astonished to learn that the good looking guy I had been ogling was Curtis.  It's amazing what a few years and a change in circumstance does to your vision.

After I got a few things situated I went upstairs.  I was going out with a friend that night and wanted to say goodbye before I left.  Curt was sitting on the couch and I thought, what the hell, I'll see if he wants to go.  Turned out the friend I was going with was a friend of his too (it happens a lot in that house) so he said he would go, and the rest is history.  That was March 23, 2002.  The day after Curt's 22 birthday.

Now that you know a little bit about how we got together, I can explain that Curt has been my rock for nearly 9 years.  He has been there for me through little things like good jobs and bad jobs, fights with friends, multiple moves (in 9 years we have lived in 7 different places).  He has been there for me through much bigger things, the things that make or break a marriage.  My pregnancy with Gunnar.  I was sick from day 1.  I ended up in the hospital 6 weeks before Gunnar was born and then he was born 5 + week premature.  Curt was there the whole time, even if he couldn't physically be there because he was working to support us, he was doing everything he could to be there for me mentally and emotionally.  

When I broke both my wrists during the first year of Gunnar's life and was practically useless to both myself and our child, it was Curt who was working full time and taking care of both of us.  Including things like washing my hair, buttoning my jeans, opening jars of baby food, making bottles, etc, because I couldn't.  It was Curt who held my hand when doctor after doctor told us that we could not have anymore children if I wanted to stay alive to be a wife and mother to Curt and Gunnar.  When I got sick a few years later it was Curt who took care of Gunnar and the apartment and everything that I normally did while I was in the hospital.  It was Curt that worked ridiculous hours so that we could afford for me to stay home for the next year and a half and focus on getting better.  It is Curt that has dried my tears on every occasion I've listed and more.  When I thought I couldn't go another day and that I was useless, it was Curt that told me EVERYDAY how wonderful and beautiful and perfect I was, even when I wasn't.  It is Curt who continues to do all of these things.  

It is Curt who worked the same dead end job for almost 9 years to put food on the table and pay the bills and buy the things we needed, and some we didn't.  It was and is Curt who is my strength when I think I can't keep going, but somewhere along the line I forgot that until he was gone and I didn't have him to rely on for everything, and I realize now just how amazing my husband is, and how much he has done for me, and now I have the joy of being able to repay the favor by supporting him in something he wants, something he is excelling at, something that has been a long time coming.  I wish I had been strong enough to support him sooner, but hindsight is 20/20 and we can only move forward.  Now you have a very small insight into the truly incredible person I am so lucky to call my husband and proud to call my soldier.

On to the other man in my life that keeps me going.  If anyone had told me (I'm sure many did but I try not to think of my pregnancy) that the baby causing all the havoc in my belly and body would come out and be the greatest joy of my life from the moment I laid eyes on him, I never would have believed them.  I think I was pretty certain at the time that pregnancy was God's idea of a cruel joke on me, but then I met Gunnar, and knew at that moment that I would do it all again for just one moment with him.

Gunnar amazes me everyday of his life, from overcoming the obstacles of being premature, to the first time he smiled, laughed, rolled, crawled, walked, talked, to now, learning to ride a 2 wheeler, 100%'s every week on his spelling, reading everything he can get his hands on and is a computer whiz.  He is also the spitting image of his Dad.  Not a day goes by that I am not told how beautiful I am or what a great mom I am, or how great a cook I am when I throw something in the microwave.  He holds my hand and hugs me, he still kisses me goodbye in the mornings when I drop him off and when I put him to bed.

I live to see what he's going to do next, whether it's tomorrow or next week or next year or ten years from now.  I live to see what kind of person he's going to become, to know what kind of mother I am, what kind of mother I was.  I live to see my grandchildren, to see if they are as much like my husband and my son.  I live and I kept going even when I wanted to quit because I knew that no matter what I could not leave these two guys who are my life.

Day 06-Something you hope you never have to do

This is easy.  I hope, and pray that I never have to bury my husband or my son.  I never want to be presented with an American flag folded in a triangle while I stand cloaked in black with tears streaming down my face.  I never want to see a coffin so small it should never exist, or even one bigger than me if it means that it is designed for the one who was born to me.

I know that at some point I have to face the reality that my parents will pass away, but they are still young, so I hope it is not something I have to deal with for a VERY long time.  I try not to think of the day I will lose one or both of them and my world as I have known it comes to a crashing halt.  For now, I just want to enjoy the time I do have with them and be thankful that they are young enough to enjoy so many things in our lives.  I hope that even as they age they remain young at heart and continue to remain as big a part of our lives from afar as they are from a mile away.

As for Gunnar, I don't think a parent should ever have to deal with the loss of their child.  I know this is not realistic and that it does happen.  I know people it has happened to.  I just don't believe I would survive the loss of my child.  I don't say that lightly or in jest, I say it because I mean it.  There are people that are stronger than I, but I can only hope and pray I never have to have my strength tested in this way.

My husband is also my life, but in a different way.  He doesn't depend on me for his everyday needs, nor I for mine.  Yet if I were to lose Curt I would still have the responsibility of raising Gunnar.  I would have no choice but to keep going.  I know if I sat down and really thought about it, I would come to the conclusion that losing me and Gunnar would be detrimental to Curt and I would need to re-evaluate what I said above, but I just cannot bare the though of either to be completely honest.

In light of Curt's recent career change I know that it is something that losing my husband is a very real possibility, and if mu son continues with his desire to join the Army and follow in his father's footsteps, then losing Gunnar before myself would too be a very real possibility depending on what the next 12+ years brings in our world. 

Yet if I sit here and dwell on the "what ifs" of possibly losing the 2 most important people in my life, I never would have made the leap into becoming an Army wife.  The fact of the matter is, if I want to sit here and play the "what if" game, I know full well that I could lose either one of them any day that I wake up in any random way.  A car crash, plane crash, fluke accident, random medical issue, I've watched 1001 ways to die, I could name many more, but I don't see the need.  I'm done with the "what if" game. 

Yes what Curt does is dangerous, but what he did before was too.  No he wasn't using M-16's and grenades in his last job, no he didn't have a high risk of being deployed overseas, but there were other risks he took on a daily basis, and if I focused on those I never would have let him out of the house.

If I thought of all the possible things that could harm Gunnar when he is out of my grasp, out of my sight, the poor kid would be a hermit and home schooled with no life. 

So I have to take the stance for all our sakes, that there is a plan for our lives that is predestined and that the people that I love most, the people that keep me going, will be here as long as possible, and hopefully until after I am long gone.

There it is, I hope and pray that I never have to lose the people I hold dear to me.  I know that some will be inevitable, but I hope that is a long ways off and that I am a stronger version of me by that time.

Day 05-Something you hope to do in your life

I can tell you that the 2 things I wanted most out of life from the time I can remember were to be a mother an a wife.  Now that I am both of those things I want to be the best mother and wife I can be.  I can tell you that is no small task, and each day I find myself wondering how wives and mothers of the world have done things so flawlessly for so long, or seemingly so, because it seems to be a comedy of errors for me more often than not.  So it will always be my biggest hope that I can be the best wife and mother that I can be, however, I think this question is asking about something that I have not yet even somewhat accomplished.

In that case, I want to go back to school.  I don't know what for and that is only part of why I haven't gone back yet.  Finances have also been an issue, but being a military wife opens up a whole new set of opportunities to help with the financial side of advanced schooling, so I no longer have that "excuse" to fall back on.

Now comes the hard part.  I have to figure out what I want to "do" with the rest of my life.  As I said, being the best wife and mother will always come first in my life, so I want something that will give me a work life balance.  I don't want my career to take up my entire life but I still want it to be fulfilling to me as an individual. 

There are also things I want to have that I don't have now.  I know I won't be able to have them all, but most, or some would be great.

I know from prior experience some things that I do like, and some that I don't, but I am not able to pin point any one thing that is peaking my interest enough to peruse at the moment.  I'll give you an idea of my likes and dislikes and if anyone has any ideas, feel free to blurt them out, I' all ears..err well eyes :-)

Likes:
-Helping people
-Writing
-Reading
-Medical (that's where most of my experience lies)
-Mental Health
-Babies, Children and Geriatric (older adults)
-People I can have relationships with inside and outside of the office (or work setting)
-Being consistently busy, but not to the point of over worked  

Dislikes:
-Insurance (done it)
-Dental (tried school for it..no go)
-Being stuck to a headset all day..no matter how many people I'm helping
-Spelling (even spell check doesn't know what I mean sometimes...don't lie you've seen the mistakes!)
-Mean/controlling people
-Understaffed/over worked


Wants:
-Something I am going to enjoy for years to come
-Schedule flexibility
    -For school/sport functions/appointments
    -To try to conform to Curt's schedule if possible (and Gunnar's)
    -No weekends
    -In my ideal world/job only during school hours
-Work/Life balance
    -Work at work/home at home (mostly)
-Responsibility
    -Yes I realize I am a walking contradictory!
-Decent, preferably good pay
-Something I can do in different states with little effort, as we will be moving often
-Something in demand, so I am not constantly jobless, or job hunting

As you can see I have a lot of wants, but not much else to go on.  I know that there is really no such thing as the perfect job.  I know that all of my wants are not going to be met, but I am putting it out there.  This is about the truth, I am just being honest.  In my perfect world I would be able to work at something I enjoy, while taking Gunnar to school, picking him up and being able to be at most school functions and after school activities.  I would be able to take extended leaves as needed for R & R if Curt is home from a deployment or for whatever else the Army may throw at us in the next 20+ years.  I want something I am going to be good at and something I enjoy. 

I don't know what this is, I don't know what it's going to be, but I am fully aware that not all of my needs and/or wants are going to be met.  what I can tell you is that my career will never come before my family.  It is not in my nature.  I will always strive to be the best wife and mom before I will strive to be the best employee, that does not mean that what I do will not be important to me, it only means that in life somethings are more important than work.

I feel like I am all over the place in my last few posts, my focus is really on seeing Curt and so many things we have going on in our life right now, so if this is all over the place, I'm sorry.  If you have any ideas about what kind of school would be good, leave me a comment, I'd love to hear what you guys have to say!

Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for

I'm trying to get back on track, but with my trip coming up I will likely fall behind, so please bare with me.

I can say that I don't often hold grudges.  I will be the first to pick up the phone to call and end a fight, or the first to "kiss and make up" but there is a grudge I have been holding onto for a while now and I need to let it go.  Not for them, but for my own mental and emotional well being.

I spoke earlier of toxic relationships.  I have had many over the course of my life.  One relationship I can honestly tell you is NOT my relationship with Curt.  There were boyfriends before him that were, but mostly it is my friendships that become toxic.  Some even start out toxic and I don't even realize it.  

This particular friendship, if you can call it that, was just one of those.  From the very beginning it was beyond toxic, but I could never see it.  I was friends with this person for over 4 years.  Our families did nearly everything together.  To the point that we moved in across the street from these people, at my insistence.  I had every "logical" reason in the book for buying a house across the street.  Let me just tell you that nothing is truly "logical" when someone else is actually making your decisions for you and making you think you're making them.  I digress, hindsight is 20/20 and I need to move on.

During the course of this "friendship" I was often used, demeaned, and taken advantage of as was my family.  Unfortunately I was blind to it.  I continued to allow it to happen, to allow us all to be abused to a point where Curt could no longer stand to be near any of them.  Anyone that knows my husband knows that he, like me, will tolerate a LOT of crap before he will put his foot down, so this was not a good sign.  

What you may not know is that Curt worked for this "friends" husband, who was becoming nearly as toxic as his wife.  After years of putting up with his and other people's crap, Curt had had enough, and well most of you know where we are now.  Curt is about to graduate BCT for the US Army, and I couldn't be more proud of my husband.

However, I need to find it in me to forgive the family that was and still is so toxic to mine.  I said before I have to forgive myself, and that's for allowing them into our lives, and now I need to forgive them for being so toxic.  As I said above, I'm not doing it for their sake.  They can continue the dirty looks as I go to get my husband's letters from the mailbox across the street from their house, I will simply smile, because we are the bigger family.  We made the decision to rid ourselves of the toxic mess.  So I will forgive them for all the hell they put us through over 4+ years so that we can move on with our lives with a clean slate and a clear conscious.  

For this I will be happy to forgive and forget.  I have no need to be reminded of the toxicness.

Day 03-Something you have to fogive yourself for

Sorry this is late, I've been busy getting ready for my trip to see Curt graduate BCT.  

There are a lot of things I could probably pick for this, but at this point in my life I need to forgive myself for past mistakes both large and small.  I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and I fully believe that each of those mistakes have lead me to this place in my life, that doesn't mean I wouldn't have wished things had been different, or easier.

I can say the primary mistake that resonates in my life is bad relationships, friendships to be more specific.  If you are reading this now you can be assured you are not one of those people.  I have taken steps recently to assure that the toxic people are no longer in my life nor my family's.  

I have the difficult task now of learning to forgive myself for bringing those toxic people into our lives, and forgiving myself for allowing them to do what they did to myself and my family.  I know that in the end it all worked out for the best, and we are better off now for what we have learned, and where our lives are headed, yet those pesky "what ifs" are always in the back of my mind.

I have to take great care not to beat myself up when things come up now that are reminiscent of the most recent toxic people I allowed into our lives.  Even though they are no longer part of our life at this time, because they were such an intertwined part of our lives, as these toxic relationships often become, I am still dealing with issues months after the fact.  

So although I am learning to forgive myself for the many mistakes I have made and the many toxic relationships that have lead me to this point in my life, this is not a case of forgive and forget.  This is a case of live and learn.  I am learning more and more with each passing day.  I can only hope that my past mistakes lead to better decisions in the future, that is my goal.  To forgive myself for my mistakes, ONLY if I have learned enough to grow from them and make better decisions going forward.

Day 02-Something you love about yourself

Okay, so we are on to day 2 of the challenge.  Something I love about myself.  I knew this was going to be tough.  I can rattle off a thousand things I love about my life, my family, my friends...but myself...that's a whole different ball game my friends.  

I really had to ponder this one before I sat down to write this, and here's what I came up with.  I love my ability to love.

I put all of me into my family and friends.  My love is unconditional, it comes without warnings, without cautions, without bearings and it is given in leaps and bounds.  I, more often than not, give more of myself than I actually have when doling out love.

This has caused a lot of heartache in my life, but I still continue to love unconditionally and to be honest even through the hurt, I wouldn't change it.  I have learned a lot from the ones who have hurt me, but even more from those who haven't.

I am learning to be more careful with my unconditional love.  I am learning that just because I have unconditional love doesn't mean everyone I encounter deserves that amount of love from me.  I am learning to gauge who is worthy of this gift of unconditional love, and who needs to have some restrictions.  I am learning that not all love has to be unconditional.  I am also learning that I do not have to love everyone I associate with.  I can like someone without loving them.  It took me nearly 30 years to come to this conclusion.  I understand that most people understand this from childhood or at the very least adolescence, but it took me much longer to differentiate the two.

That being said, I love that I love the way I do, but I want to make sure that I am giving that love to the people that are currently and will in the future, treat that love with love in return.  Not as in the past, where I pasted it out like candy on Halloween.  

There is your truth, love is special and I intend to start being more aware of who I give my love to and how it is received.

Day 01-Something you hate about yourself

Let me start by saying I was taught not to hate.  Not people, not places, not things.  My mom liked to tell us growing up that we were "too young to hate" and to this day if the word slips from my lips that same phrase will come from her mouth.  I have even said the same thing to my own son.  Yet I find it so easy to hate things about myself.  I could easily make this about something impersonal that I hate like my weight.  Yes I hate my weight, sure most women can relate to that feeling, but that's not what this question is really about.  What is it about me that I struggle with on a daily, minute by minute basis that I have tried but failed to change to I truly hate?  This is the truth challenge, so it's the truth you're going to get. 

I hate my neuroticness (if this is a word), my anxiety, my inability to enjoy the simple things because I am too worried about what may or may NOT happen,  now, in 20 minutes, or in 20 years.  It rules my life.  Every second of every minute of every day.  You may think I am being dramatic, but don't judge me until you live an hour in my brain.  Screw a mile in my shoes, that won't show you a damn thing, it's my brain that's the issue.

I am so high strung because of what I perceive, what I assume, and what I worry about.  Things I can't do anything about.  Things in the future, things in the past, seemingly everything but the present.  I have this uncanny inability to let go and just be in the moment that we are in.  It's a horrible feeling to lack enjoyment in things because you can only focus on the potential for problems to come.  It's a horrible feeling to feel like you hold your child back from being a child because of your own insecurities.  To fear fear is indescribable.  It's like a private hell inside your own head that you cannot get out of.  A world filled with constant worry and dread...of everything and anything.  Did I turn the stove off, is that car going to stop for the red light when I get the green, did Gunnar have a good day or a bad, is there enough food in the house, is there enough money in the bank, what if I don't make it here, what if I don't make it there, what if I don't do this, what if I don't do that, what if I do do this, what if I do, do that, what if I say no, what if I say yes, what if, what if, WHAT IF?  I live in a constant world of did I, can I, and what ifs. 

Did I want to tell you this?  NO!  Did I want to admit just how bad it is?  NO!  I try to hide it, from some I can, and from some I can't, Curt, my parents, people that know me inside and out, but those of you who are just getting to know me, or those who only know me on a social level don't see what they see, and not even they really see. 

I want to say that I wasn't always like this, but if I did I'd be lying.  The truth is I think I just wasn't always this bad.  Either I hid it better or it's gotten worse or both, but this is about the truth, so the truth is that in some way I have always been this way, just not to this extreme.  The other truth is that it has gotten better to some extent.  I have been working very, very hard to try not to focus so what I cannot change, what I cannot fix, and what I cannot do anything about in the immediate or near immediate time frame.  The problem lies in that I have to block those things that I cannot change, fix or do anything about from my conscious mind in order for me remain sane, well as sane as I can be.

So I set out on this challenge in a blog that I write about small victories, and I said I was going to relate these to past, present or future victories, and so I will.  I can honestly say I have come a long way from a few years ago, even a few months ago, but I have a very long road ahead of me.  I don't anticipate I will ever not have anxiety or be at minimum mildly neurotic, but I want to set a goal, or goals as it may be, to get to a more livable me.

Here goes...I want to get back into counseling.  I can't do it right now with Curt gone and work and Gunnar.  Please don't see this as an excuse, it simply is not humanly possible to do it with my work schedule and my son, and frankly my child will ALWAYS come first.  I also need my job until we move, so it is what it is.  When we move and I am in the process of looking for a new job, I can delve back into therapy.  It's something that helped me a great deal before and I think I can really work on some things with the right therapist. 

In the mean time, I need to focus, really focus, on what I can do, and not what I can't do.  I need to look at things in a more positive manner.  That's why I started this blog.  I wanted, and still do, want to view my life, my world, the things around me, the people I live and work with, the people I love and friends I have through different eyes, not through rose colored glasses, but through realness.  No more fantasy, or black and white, but truth, good, bad or indifferent. 

I want to gain some kind of control of the whirl wind that is my mind.  I know therapy will help, but in the mean time writing seems to be the next best thing, so I would like to make a valiant effort to do more of it.  Even if it means that I need to create a separate blog because not everything can be a victory and sometimes I just need to get the uglies out too.

So although I have come a long way, I have even further to go.  Wish me luck, this truly is a challenge of the truth, who knew telling yourself the truth would be so hard....