The Army Givith....

...And The Army Taketh Away

I am eternally grateful for everything the Army has given us.  There isn't a day that goes by that I am not in awe of how different our lives are and how truly blessed we are to have what we have, live the way that we do and continue to receive more and more with each passing day.  I can honestly say without a doubt the biggest blessing we have come across are the people who started off as mere acquaintances, turned friends who we now consider family.

This ever growing family of ours may have no blood relation, but the ties that bind us are forever tightening and holding us together.  It doesn't matter how many miles are put between us, I promise to watch these babies grow, I promise to spoil them with all the love I have in my heart, I promise that through my tears I'm smiling because I know deep down this is what's best for you and your family.  I promise to miss you everyday.  I promise to stay in touch, and I promise I'll suck at it, but when we talk it'll be like no time has passed at all.  I promise I'll love you still and we will meet again some day.  This Army is a small world, and if I don't see you in here...I'll find you somewhere, you're family.

So to all my family that the Army is taking or has taken, or will someday take, I miss you, I love you and don't think just because you're PCSing to Ft PoDunkNowhere means you're off the hook.  It takes a whole lot more than a few miles to come between us.  Stay safe where ever you are, you mean something to everyone, and everything to someone!

All My Love Xoxo,

Jenni

Congratulations SPC Curtis Osborne!

Congratulations SPC Curtis Osborne!  Yesterday on 1 AUG 12 my husband pinned Specialist, and I had the honor of being the one to pin him.  It was such an amazing feeling to listen to the glowing words spoken by Curt's 1st SSG and his Commander, it took nearly everything I had to keep my composure and not cry as I often do.  I'm quite certain I was more nervous than he was, especially since Curt knows these people even though he has only worked with them for a few months.  I'm guessing you get to know people a lot more quickly during a deployment.  I don't think I would have been nearly as nervous if he was still with his prior unit, simply because I know the majority of them personally, and the few I don't I still see and talk to during the monthly FRG meetings I still hold.

Although Curt isn't one to hide his pride in his abilities, he can be rather humble at times.  This promotion happened to be one of those times.  He received a waiver to become promotable in June, but due to leave dates and everyone just getting home from deployment his pinning was held yesterday.  The waiver was required because without it he would not be eligible to make SPC until his 2 year mark in the Army.  In Curt's mind either was this promotion was a "given" regardless of the fact that he earned the waiver to get it early.  He is more than proud, but he is all the more focused on getting his stripes because he knows those he has to push harder for.

My husband is a truly where he is meant to be and I have never seen him excel to this extreme before.  Curt is good at everything he does, but to be good and enjoy what you do brings a whole new meaning to life.  I believe with all my heart this is where we belong, as a family and as individuals.  We have never been happier, stronger or more in love with each other. 

Congrats Honey, you deserve it and you earned it!! I love you truly, madly, deeply! XOXO

Someday I'll get the hang of this....

My Grandfather has a saying, excuses are like assholes, everybody has one.  So I'm not going to run down the list of excuses as to why I haven't been writing, I'm just going to tell it like it is and you can decide for yourself if I'm making excuses.

So the last time I wrote was May 20th and here we are now July 25th.  Give me a little credit please because we all know I have gone much longer for as you will soon read, lesser reasons.  I'll begin at the end of May.  Gunnar and I were doing everything to make sure we were ready for Curt to get home, and keeping busy (busier than we maybe should have in hind sight).  

It all honestly seems like a blur now.   I was having FRG meetings and in the middle of a change of command for Curt's unit here at home.  I was helping with the FRG for the unit he was deployed with and trying to get friends back and forth to the airport as needed.  Memorial Day came and went as was rather emotional for me, especially after a call from Curt's grandparents to tell me how proud they are of him and us as a family.  It was incredibly heartwarming.  Gunnar was still playing baseball, which meant practice 2 nights a week and games on Saturdays.

Then came the day we had been waiting for, for what seemed like an eternity and in reality was less time then AIT.  It was finally time for HOMECOMING!!!  I think that day (and night) dragged on forever, in fact I'm quite certain there were more hours in that day than any other day I've lived thus far.  When he walked onto that tarmac though all that time just melted away with my tears of joy.  I will never fully be able to describe how it feels to wrap my arms around my husband after having not been able to, or seeing the joy in my sons face the very moment he lays eyes on his daddy.  There's nothing like it in this world, and it makes everything perfect, even if just for that moment.

After the delay in homecoming and all the excitement of having Curt home, it was well after 2am when we got to sleep.  The next morning we decided to go to the outlets about an hour away to find some new PT sneakers for Curt and just wander around.  Lucky for us, Curt adjusts amazingly well to everything, including timezones and lack of sleep.  I think he has to to compensate for my inability to adjust to just about everything.

We'd been at the outlets for a few hours, had an early dinner and were heading home.  My neck had been bothering me for a few days but I assumed I pulled a mussel while I was cleaning the carpets.  It started to get progressively worse as we got closer to home, so I tried to massage it and just rest.  About 10 minutes after we walked in the door my face a head started to go numb and tingle and I was nauseous and dizzy.  I could barely stand up. 

Curt had been home less than 24 hours and we were heading straight for the ER.  The good news is they got me in pretty quick, the bad news is at first they thought it was meningitis so they send Curt and Gunnar home, the worse news is I was there for four days.  Poor Curt had to do everything, take Gunnar to and from school, baseball, cook, clean and even go back to work before I was able to come home.  On the bright side it wasn't meningitis so they were able to visit me in the hospital, but I was on too much medication to know who was coming and going.  It's an awful feeling to not be in control of anything.

I apparently had an infection of the sphenoid sinuses and that only happens to a lucky 0.1% like myself.  I received multiple rounds of IV antibiotics in the hospital, then another 28 days course of oral antibiotics once I came home.  Followed by a CT scan and an appointment with an ENT who has since put me on another stronger 28 day course of oral antibiotics which will be followed up with another CT scan in mid August.  Hopefully I will be feeling better by then.  I was doing better until this course of antibiotics kicked in.  I think they have taken everything, good and bad, out of me.

On a brighter note, this summer we had a water slide party for Gunnar's 8th birthday.  We went to Washington, D.C. for the first time, and I cannot say enough wonderful things about our trip!  We went on a marriage retreat with the Army and were able to go to the Smithsonian Air and Space and American History Museums.  The three of us took an amazing free (gratuity based) walking tour from a company called DC by Foot, and our guide was so engaging we didn't even notice the 100+ degree heat and 90% humidity until the tour was over.  I learned more in two hours of walking than I did in all of my history classes combined!  Gunnar was truly enthralled and I couldn't be happier about it.  We also visited beautiful Kure, N.C. beach for a day trip while my mom was visiting.  She surprised Gunnar the day before his birthday and it was priceless!  

After mom went home we made our way to the famous Outer Banks or better known as OBX for another marriage retreat.  I am a self proclaimed beach snob, I spent my summers on a pristine white sandy beach with beautiful water and great waves and very residential, so where we stayed in OBX was much too touristy, yellow sanded and dark watered to lure me back.  We did have a good time though.  Gunnar got thrashed in some waves and had three lifeguards circled around him at one point.  He also did a great job climbing two difficult rock walls in one of the surf shops.  Curt tried to eat his weight in ice cream for a free t-shirt, but instead we bought $16.99 worth of ice cream just for Curt (and no shirt).  I even had to leave at one point because  I was getting sick just watching him try to do this!

Now we are back at home and trying to get back to reality.  Curt is working for Brigade now, I am still the FRG leader for Bravo and helping with Brigade.  Gunnar starts swimming lessons next week and goes back to school next month.  I'm not sure where the summer went but I know we enjoyed it.  I'd love to get some more beach time in before it ends too.  Time will tell, it seems there is always somewhere we have to be....someday I'll get the hang of this.  In the mean time I'll just keep swimming and enjoying the little things when and where I can.

On My Way

I'm on my way to making my goals that I set, little by little.  They may not seem like much to most, but to me they are life changing.  These are these goals I set for myself on May 8th.  That date happens to be the 1 year anniversary from when we moved here to Ft. Bragg.  It's hard sometimes to believe we have been here a year already, and other times it feels like this is the only life I've ever known.  Anyway, back on track.

Goals:

• Focus on family
• Focus on getting back to me
• Blog once a week or more
• Work out 4-5 times a week
• Loose weight 
• Read  

Of those goals I have managed to hit most, now 2 weeks later.  I have been able to focus on my family and myself.  I have been able to get to the gym for the last 7 straight days and I have lost 2.5 lbs in that time.  I have not yet cracked open a book, and I missed posting a blog last week.  Hey, 3 out of 5 ain't bad!  Especially when those 3 are the most focused on getting back to me and my family.

I've had a lot TON of encouragement and motivation from family and friends.  Gunnar even plays his DS at the gym if I can't go while he's in school and he tells me he's proud of me!  That right there makes it all worth it.

I'm not gonna lie, I don't enjoy working out, and I don't know that I will ever get to that point (quite frankly I'm sure I won't) but I enjoy how I feel after and I already like the results.  The elliptical machine is my nemesis.  When I started a week and a half ago I could barely do 2 minutes.  Today I was up to 20 with a 4 minute cool down.  Again, not fun per say, put when I see the calories burned after 20 minutes on that machine verses 20 minutes on the bike....I make it happen.  

Then one of the best things for me has been an app for my phone that a friend showed me.  It's called My Fitness Pal.  I can track everything, and I do mean everything.  I can track my workouts  and I can track every bite of food that goes in my mouth.  You can even put in the caloric intake for your own recipes based on what you put in them.  I can even track my water intake for the day.  You can add friends, and comment on their progress.  You can track your weight and measurements.  I'm a very visual person, so this really puts this in perspective for me.

So all in all I think I'm doing pretty well.  I'll try to crack open a book this eek, but no promises, I'm still pretty busy and this week is no different.  I will do my best to post another blog before the end of the week, because writing is not only my outlet but my passion.  For those of you that read this, I thank you for sticking with me through the good and the bad.  This blog is supposed to be about victories big and small, so that is what I'm getting back to.

It's a roller coaster life, so lets put our hands in the air and enjoy the ride!

It Shouldn't Hurt to Help

I never expected any of this to be easy, in fact we waited so long for Curt to join the military because I knew it was going to be hard.  At that point, I just didn't know exactly why it was going to be so hard for me.  I figured it would be the usual difficulties of military life, long hours, trainings, deployments, not enough family time and too much work.  The truth is we are very fortunate, the hours are usually reasonable, the training schedule is tolerable and there is a lot more family time in the Army than there ever was in our civilian life.  As for deployments, well there is nothing wonderful about them, but they are part of the job and par for the course.  I knew when he signed on the dotted line that we weren't coming out of this without some deployment knowledge under our belts.  So, no matter how easy or difficult each of these things may be, either separate or all together, they are still not what makes this at times such a difficult life for me to lead.

It's me.  Yes, it's me, I make it difficult.  Not any one thing and no one person other than myself can be blamed for the perceived hardships that I seem to face.  Why?  Why, because I bring them on myself.  I offer things that I am simply not fully capable of, or that I have not completely thought out.  Or maybe I think I am, or have, but I can't possibly run through all the possible scenarios in my head no matter how hard I try, so when the one scenario that I didn't account for happens....my anxiety kicks into overdrive and I'm out.  I bite off more than I can chew, more times than I can count, and I end up overworked, overwhelmed and exhausted, and sometimes I can pull it off, but other times I don't have it in me to keep up.  

I seem to I have this inability to say no, combined with this innate ability to insert my ability to help with anything under the sun.  I have this fear of rejection, of the potential repercussions of saying no, of simply upsetting someone, or letting them down.  I hate the idea of not being there when someone needs something, whoever or whatever that may be.  The problem has become, my inability to say no has left me neglecting the people I love them most...my family.

Nothing was ever supposed to, or should have come before my family.  It shouldn't hurt this bad if I'm helping.  Too many tears have already been shed, it's time to refocus on what matters most.  I know in my heart the people that love me for me will stand by me (some already are) and the ones who only see/saw me as a taxi/babysitter/party planner/FRG Leader/Etc are just the "fluff".  There will always be people who are fillers in your life and then there will be real friends.  Right now I need my real friends, not the "fluff".

So in the spirit of getting back to me and getting back to the reason for this blog, I'm setting some goals.  My goals are strictly for me, but I will let you know when I meet them and if I am staying or straying from them.  I promise to be honest, not only with you, but with myself.  

Goals:

• Focus on family
• Focus on getting back to me
• Blog once a week or more
• Work out 4-5 times a week
• Loose weight 
• Read

I think that's a good start.  If I need to add to it as I go, I will.

Bittersweet Tears of Joy

I knew being an FRG leader was going to have it's ups and downs, and I knew it wasn't going to be easy.  I also knew there were people far better suited for the slot, but I have a weakness for those in need, and at the time we (we being our FRG) were in need of a new leader.  So I did what I do best and volunteered myself, my family and my time for something I was only mildly familiar with.  

I had been volunteering unofficially with the FRG since we moved here in May, but nothing like the magnitude I was about to take on.  I took over in January and held my first meeting in February.  I was very fortunate to take over from a dear friend and she has helped me immensely along the way.  I've learned a lot from this experience, and I learn more each day and with each meeting, each fundraiser, each organizational day.  Each new thing brings it's own challenges.  

I have the privilege to meet and get to know our soldiers on a more personal level than most, and I also have the opportunity to have better relationships with their spouses, ans sometimes even a few parents.  I'm not sure how much this has to do with my role as an FRG leader, or how much it has to do with the people Curt and I communicate with outside of his work, but either way I feel very fortunate to be able to interact the way I do.

I told you that so you can understand why today was so bittersweet for me and why replaying the day in my head even now the tears are falling as I type.  Today was homecoming for main body.  For me that means the 6 soldiers from our unit that had deployed a few months ago to assist with equipment came home, and the soldiers from other units that had been deployed much longer also came home.  Being that some of my dear friends were returning, I had planned on being at the homecoming anyway.  As the FRG leader I was also there to show my support.

Here's where the hard part comes in...my husband is not part of main body and was not returning today.  Our first homecoming was not for Curt.  Now no matter how much of a planner I am and how much I want to see how things work first, some things are sacred (I think) and going to a homecoming without your spouse while he is deployed, I can no officially say is no bueno.  

I'm not in anyway saying it was all bad.  I was so happy to be able to be there to show my support, and I would do it again in a heartbeat.  I just had a really hard time watching everyone come in and find their significant other and watch them embrace and their kids get so excited, while G and I were missing and hurting.  It sucked having to keep it together and I even had to rush to the bathroom so no one would see the tears starting to fall....that was an epic fail!

I'm not writing this for pity, I don't want any ones pity.  We made the decision for Curt to join the Army, we made the decision for him to deploy, we've made each of these decisions together.  Please don't pity me for decisions we have made.  I am not pitying myself, I write because it helps me deal.  It's my blog, for me...not for anyone but me.

My tears are done falling, and my day was bittersweet.  Welcome Home Bravo....See you soon Honey....Goodnight World

I'm Missing Me

I'd say it's hard to believe I haven't written since January, but it's not.  Just as I had begun to find myself, my way, my footing in my new life, I just as quickly seem to have lost it.  "It" being the version of myself I was finally starting to like, the one who had some grounding, the one who had found her voice.  Somehow my voice has slipped away in the simple day to day chaos I have created for myself.  There it lies, in that statement alone, I have created it for myself.   

No one did this to me, no one chose this for me.  No one but me, myself and I made the decisions that have led me astray from where I was and where I want to be.  

Now is the time for change.  I used to be terrified of change, it was part of why I never wanted to be a military wife.  I never wanted my life to change so drastically so constantly, yet I find solace in knowing or rather expecting change now.  It's why Curt and I are forever talking about the umpteen possibilities that may or may not affect us.  It's also why he can answer a call to deploy in less that the required 3 minutes requested for a call back with an answer.  We've already talked about this very scenario and what would he like to do, how would I feel, how would we feel as a family, etc.  For me it makes the impending changes that much easier to bare.  Poor Curt I'm sure gets sick of talking them to death, but he knows it puts me at ease and God bless my husband, he would give me the world (and often does) so he continues to talk things out.  Even over Skype with the lousy connection and video like a bad Chinese movie, he still hashes things out with me.  It's amazing how much he helps me, he truly is always exactly what I need exactly when I need it and he always has been.

I also find solace in the things I know I can keep the same.  It's why I can find the salt and pepper or the green towels with my eyes closed during a blackout.  Some call me OCD and that's okay with me as long as I can put it back where it goes.

Here again I've managed to veer off, away from what's really going on.  It seems to be the trend in my life lately.  So I need to get back to me, or at least figure out who I am now.  One thing I am certain of is that I am forever changing.  Who I was 5 years ago is not who I am today.  Sometimes I slide backwards and I need to take some time to reevaluate my priorities and my own happiness, because in the end myself and my family are the ones I made vows to and who will be in my forever. 

New Year and Changes Abound

We rang in the New Year with plenty of friends, though not all could make it.  I enjoyed having everyone here, even when they were poking fun at me for making them play beer pong outside on the deck in the cold. :-) Lucky for me I have a husband who knows me so well he warned them ahead of time that I'm too neurotic to allow beer pong in the house.  Sometime after the ball dropped though combative’s did manage to move their way into my living room from the backyard. 

Ah hell, I can't prevent everything!  I learned not long ago that combative’s in just about any setting come with the Army lifestyle.  I've given up on trying to prevent it in my living room, or any other room for that matter.  Now I just try to keep my living room IN TACT when it happens.   

Everyone had left with their respective DD by about 2:30am except for one couple who was staying the night.  I managed to have Gunnar settled down and in bed by 3am.  I never imagined my little guy could make it that long, but he was so excited to have other kids there and he was having a blast!  His room and the playroom were even clean by the time everyone left.  What more could I ask for?  Oh yeah....SLEEP!  Well we got to sleep by about 4am, and I can't tell you the last time I stayed up that long, but it was well worth it. 

It’s day four of 2012 and we have already acquired two much needed things on our check list, a new (to us) car and new bed (a Christmas present from mom and dad).  Two friends have given birth to beautiful baby girls and a much anticipated baby girl Rowe as well as baby girl Richardson will make their appearances later this year.  Gunnar is back to school and Curtis is back to work, and life is back to its ever changing, ever hectic schedule.  I managed to take some time today for myself to reflect on the past year, and to make some homemade chicken noodle soup. 

It's bitter cold outside and nothing warms you up like real chicken noodle soup.  There is also something about the long process that allows me to just think, or in this case reflect.  In 2010 our life was forever changed when we made the decision for Curt to join the Army, but it was 2011 that brought the real changes.  In February, Gunnar and I flew to Oklahoma to watch Curt graduate from Basic Training as an honor grad.  To date it is one of the proudest moments of my life, yet I know it was just the beginning of many yet to come.  In April Curt graduated AIT and reported directly to Ft. Bragg, NC while I anxiously awaited news of whether he would be granted TDY to come back to AZ and help me with our DITY move.  His TDY was granted and in the beginning of May we drove from Mesa, AZ to Ft. Bragg, NC, arriving May 8, 2010.  Mother’s Day 2010. 

It was a long hard drive, Gunnar and Curt rode in the Penske, aka the "Big Banana" and I drove the Juke aka "Rib bit".  May she forever rest in peace in that junk yard in the sky.  When we got here we stayed off post in a rent by the night apartment.  It had 2 bedrooms and a kitchen with everything we needed to avoid eating out.  We were able to register Gunnar in school on post in the neighborhood we had chosen even though we weren't able to move in yet.  We had been told the wait time would be about 6 weeks but were pleasantly surprised when it was only about 2 weeks. 

We moved into a small (and I do mean small ) 2b 1b townhouse on post.  Shortly after we moved in I totaled my brand new Juke while Curt was in the field and G was in school.  Luckily I wasn't badly injured and I didn't hurt anyone in the vehicle I hit.  A few days later G was out of school for the summer and not long after that we got word that we were moving AGAIN!  This was actually good news as we were being moved out of the small place and moved into a much larger 3b 2.5 bath townhouse that had been newly renovated in the same neighborhood, just down the street.  We can still see our old place that is now in the process of being renovated as well.  

However before that move could take place, Mom came to visit for Gunnar's 7th birthday and to enjoy some of our lovely NC humidity?  After Mom's visit the movers came, packed and moved us like a whirlwind and before we knew it we were in the new place.  Unpacking wasn't nearly as fun since we had JUST done it a month or so ago, but slowly it got done.  More slowly than I would have liked.  I vow not to let it take that long again, but hopefully we will not have this lengthy of a "move" again.  I swear it felt like a non-stop move until August.

Speaking of August, that's when Gunnar and I went to visit family on the Jersey shore.  We had been back for a bit in 2007 but G didn't remember, and not everyone was there to meet him.  This was my chance to show off my little man and boy was I excited!  The only downfall was my missing husband.  Curt couldn't get leave, so he sent me and Gunnar without him.  I will be forever grateful for that time, yet I do still wish he had been able to go with us.  I did have the pleasure of introducing G-man to more cousins than I can count and I have a picture I will hold dear forever.  I was even able to meet cousins I had only seen in pictures.  We were blessed to be able to spend time with my grandparents and my Aunt Sue and Uncle Jim.  I was even able to introduce Gunnar to my Nana who had never met him.  

Later in August Gunnar started 2nd grade.  We have since settled into Ft. Bragg and made many great friends.  G played soccer and will start baseball shortly.  I volunteer with the FRG and seem to get more involved with each meeting I attend.  I will also be volunteering at Gunnar's school.  G is getting good grades and is far above grade level in both reading and math.  Curtis is also excelling and still enjoying his new career.

 

The rest of the year seemed to fly by.  Curt spent the later part of October in the field.  I had a delicious birthday dinner, cooked by my friend Candice's mom.  She made us chicken parm, and boy oh boy was it good!  Curt was able to come home for a few hours on Halloween to go trick or treating.  It was raining and cold here, so we attempted to trick or treat at the PX, but the trick was on us because that was an EPIC FAIL!  Lucky for us Gunnar doesn't (can't) eat much candy, and was just excited to wear his costume.  

On the rare occasion that I begin to doubt we made the right decision by leading this lifestyle, like when Christmas was spent crying on Skype, instead of hugging in AZ with family.  I look around and it doesn't take me long to realize that Christmas is only one day out of the year, and yeah it sucked, but even if it sucked big fat monkey toes, it's still better to have Christmas in NC with my husband and my son and a couple goofy soldiers sleeping on my couch, than if any single one of us had had to be alone on Christmas.  Or if I could have been in AZ but Curt had been deployed.

November came and went just as quickly.  Mom came to visit again for a few days.  She helped us hang curtains and pictures.  She's always amazing at decorating and redecorating.  I hope she can always visit close to the times when we PCS, if not I will be forever lost!  We also ended up getting a dog while she was in town.  True to her word, she had nothing to do with the decision.  It just happened to be the right dog.  I had NO intention of getting a dog, but if I have learned one thing, sometimes you just have to say "yes".  Her name is Lucky.  She's a Border collie mix and brindle in color.  She's beautiful, about 2.5 years old and had puppies before we got her.  She was picked up as a stray when we adopted her from animal control's adopt-a-ton at Petsmart.

I cooked Thanksgiving dinner here with the help of a few friends.  I think there were close to 25 bodies here if you include all the kids.  It was pretty amazing all things considered.  Thanks to Courtney's Dad I even managed to save the gravy after Candice and I put raw giblets in it unknowingly.  Well we knew they were raw, we just didn't know to cook them before putting them in the gravy!  The gravy was saved and Thanksgiving was a sweet success.

December was warmer than I anticipated it would be here.  The weather fluctuates a lot, and I don't care for the cold but for some reason it really seemed to bother me the closer we got to Christmas that it was warmer here than AZ!  Mind you it was usually only by a few degrees and our lows tended to be lower, but I wasn't taking any of that into consideration at the time.  Nor was I taking into consideration that I don't like the cold.  I was just rather distraught that I couldn't be in AZ for Christmas.

Curt started his 1/2 day schedule on the 15th and Gunnar started winter break on the 16th.  Things just got a bit chaotic from there.  We were always on the run doing errands or hanging out with friends or even sometimes doing errands with friends.  That's when you know your life is busy!  We went to Curt's Christmas party, which the FRG helped put together.  I think we did a pretty good job if I do say so myself.  If nothing else I enjoyed seeing everyone together in one place, not working and seemingly having a good time.  I wish I had had more time to spend with everyone but it was nice to see and chat with the people I did.

Then before I knew it, it was Christmas Eve!  We had two of Curt's buddies spend the night because my rule for all holidays is that no one can spend it alone, and all are welcome here.  I am SO thankful they stayed because I would have never been able to help Curt get the 3 in 1 game table my parents sent for Gunnar put together.  It took all 3 of the guys to do it!  They even helped Curt wrap all the presents when I passed out.  Awe man I love them!

Christmas morning was great for Gunnar, and that's all that really matters to me.  I cooked a big breakfast/brunch like my Dad always does, and the guys played with G-man.  There was a lot of skyping, crying and napping.  All in all, minus the whole skyping and crying bit, it was pretty damn good.

Now I've come full circle.  The year ended with a bang when even Gunnar was partying like a rock star until 3am, and I can't speak for anyone else, but I had a great time.  So when it's all said and done and I look back at 2011 and all the changes it brought, I think the biggest changes for me are not the ones you can see, but the ones that remain unseen.  The changes I've made within myself, and how I've grown as a person, a wife and a mother, and how our family has grown together. 

I know that 2012 will bring its own challenges and its own changes.  So I'm here, ready and waiting and you can be damn sure I am going to rise to the challenges no matter how big or how small and I may still be fazed by change, but that doesn't mean it can break me.

Old Habits Die Hard

I've found myself falling into a patterns lately, and not the good ones.  Ya know the old saying "Don't count your chickens before they hatch" ?  I have a bad habit of doing that when things get hectic or when I'm overwhelmed.  Most people do this when they are excited about the possibility of something coming their way or something new.  I'm the opposite, expecting the worst before I even know the whole story.

Today was a prime example and my worst offense in quite a while.  I've worked in the insurance industry so I am rather familiar with how things work.  After my accident I made sure all my ducks were in a row and all my phone calls were made.  I filled out all the required paperwork and made sure the right claims were filed with the right people.  I did all the leg work because I was having trouble getting companies to communicate with each other and it was just easier if I did it all.  The only thing I could not control was how long the refund check would take to process for my warranty and that has been the only hold up on the payout from my GAP insurance to close out the claim.  If you are not familiar, GAP insurance covers the excess amount you owe on a vehicle if it is considered a total loss so you are only responsible for the deductible, instead of the balance of the loan.  

I got a letter in the mail today saying a payment had been made by my GAP insurance for less than the balance due and that I was responsible for a large sum of money.  My immediate reaction was fear and then I freaked out, as I only anticipated paying my deductible.  

I placed a call to the GAP company but got a voicemail and left a message.  Not satisfied I called the finance company who sent the letter to see if they had any insight, to no eval.  I then called my mom, and by this point I was crying so hard I could barley get the words out to explain to her what had conspired.  While I was attempting to explain between sobs a call came through on my other line.  It was my GAP company.  The same woman I have been dealing with the whole way through, and who by the way, is amazing!  

She explained that they had not made any payments and was most likely the refund we have been waiting on.  I called the finance company back and asked who made the payment and received confirmation that it was indeed the refund we have been waiting on to close the GAP claim.  I asked the finance company to fax the required documents to the GAP company so we can proceed.

Needless to say this could have all been avoided with a few deep breaths and a lot lees crying, but as I said, old habits die hard.  I'm not excusing how I act or react, I'm simply stating a fact.  I try hard, I do well for a while, and then for whatever reason I tend to revert back to what comes naturally.  I guess it makes sense when you think about it.  It takes so much focus and effort for me to try not to freak out that it's just easier to freak out and get over it than to try not to I guess.  

Maybe someday I'll be free from freak outs and have no need for crying spells, but for now it's one day at a time and doing my damnedest to lay these bad habits to rest.

Good Days

I can no longer count my good days on just my fingers and I'm well past needing my toes.  There was a time however when I only needed 1 hand to count my good days, and it wasn't all that long ago.  Right now, sitting here with the cool breeze coming in my open windows, the smell of pumpkin coming from my oven and music coming from the radio, it may as well have been eons ago.

Good days are in abundance now, those small victories that were so difficult to find each day when I started writing this are now second nature.  I take great joy in things I never noticed before, or never took the time to notice.  Like the fact that I don't have an apron.  I don't think I ever cooked (really cooked) enough to necessitate one before, but I enjoy it, and I am quite messy when I do it.  For instance I was making pumpkin chocolate chip bread for Gunnar today.  

It's a fall favorite in our house and he asks for it as soon as there is a hint of cool air.  I decided to double the recipe to give some to a few friends, forgetting how much the original makes.  Once the last loaf was in the oven and now I am subsequently on my 3rd, yes 3rd shirt of the day.  Most people would have left the pumpkin covered shirt on until they were done, but I was too good for that.  I got 2 loaves in the oven and had some laundry to do so I thought I'd wash the dirty shirt since all I had to do was transfer batter from bowl to pan.  How hard could that be?  Well apparently when you have a clean shirt it's harder than it looks...so here I am in another clean shirt and ya know what, it's okay!  

I made dinner and Curt invited a buddy over who's wife is out of town.  Then Courtney dropped Hailey off for a sleepover of sorts since she has to have Alex in for surgery early tomorrow.  We all enjoyed some fresh pumpkin bread for dessert.  Now Gunnar and Hailey are both asleep, Curt is taking is friend home, the dishes are done and the dishwasher is running, I have some laundry going and all I hear are the various hums of and uneventful yet productive day.  A Good Day.  No longer few and far between, but often and abundant. 

Tie a knot and hang on

"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

When I first read this I laughed out loud.  I thought, what a great analogy for life!  If I can think of this quote each time I am having a rough day, a tough time or just a "moment" if I can laugh like that, or giggle, or even just smile, that is all I need to pull me out of my funk.

I am convinced some days will require more than just one knot, but I figure as long as I can still hang on it's all good right?!

I'll let you ponder this and see if you find it as wonderfully simplistic and yet deceivingly difficult as I do.  Meanwhile I am going to put these tired eyes to rest.

I Never Thought

I never thought in my wildest dreams I would become a military wife.  I distinctly recall telling Curt when we were first dating that if he had any intention of joining the service I was not the girl for him.  I wanted a man who was going to come home every night, a man who was going to have a "safe" job and someone who I would always know where he was.  HA!  I was pretty delusional, not only about military life, but about my future husband's career as well.  Curt's prior Army career was far from "safe", and although he did come home every night, there was never a guarantee as to when he would be home.  Most nights it was late, some even later, and then there were the nights he would walk in the door just to get a call and have to walk right back out.  As for knowing where he was all the time, not only was/is that unrealistic for anyone to ask of another person, but in Curt's prior line of work he drove all over the valley and sometimes the state.  There is no possible way I could have known where he was at any given time, but he was good about keeping me in the "loop" as much as he could.  For those of you who don't know, Curt was a mobile tire tech for big rigs and heavy equipment before he joined the Army.  He did that for about 11 years, and if you have read much of my blog you know we have been together for about 9 years.  That means he was in this line of work when I met him, so I had no valid reason to be delusional, I simply was because it suited my way of thinking at the time I suppose.  

Now that you understand I had no actual intentions 9+ years ago of being where I am now, you may have a greater appreciation for how far I have come.  Or you may say to yourself (or to me) it's about damn time!  And I wouldn't blame you one bit, it is time, and I am ever so thankful that I have been given the opportunity to grow and succeed the way I have.  I have come to the conclusion that this lifestyle is not for everyone.  This is the part where you sink or swim, where you find out if you can live this life or not, and it's not an easy life by any standards, but the military is the best at training it's soldiers.  Now I may not be the soldier, and I may not have signed on the dotted line, but I will stand beside my husband the whole way through, and if that means I get some "training" alone the way, sign me up!  I am convinced that the training period the soldier goes through is also a training for the family.  It trains us to be away from our loved one for extended periods of time, which is common in the military.  It trains us to go lengths of time with little to no communication from our soldier, also common, but what I found for me to be the most substantial part of the training was to be self sufficient, self reliant and to learn to "put my big girl panties on".

So while I think about how far I have come and how far we have come as a family (both literally and figuratively) in just shy of a year, I know that we have all had victories both large and small.  I think about how much our live have changed and still I wouldn't change any of it.  I see, hear, and do things now on a daily basis that I never imagined I would ever do, see or hear, yet it's all in the realm of our daily lives now.  We pass teams of soldiers and SWAT training on buildings being prepared for renovation when I walk Gunnar to and from school.  We no longer bat an eye.  I sat today and had a conversation with Courtney while her picture frames rattled on the walls from the artillery just miles away.  We often pause our conversations with friends or while on the phone as aircraft fly slowly just above the tree line.  I get a call to drop off Curt's ear pro at the motor pool or to see if his ACH is in the trunk.  The funny thing is I know exactly what he's talking about.  


These are now common everyday occurrences and I don't think much about them as they happen, yet as I sit here and type this I am still in awe that this is my life.  As I live it day in and day out I can't imagine it any other way.  The friendships I've made, and the ones I continue to make are ones I truly believe will stand the test of distance and time.  The love, guidance and genuine respect given and received is amazing to be a part of.

Don't mistake what I'm saying, this is no easy journey.  The days can be long and the nights can be lonely, however I know I am never really alone.  I always have a friend to call anytime day or night.  I always have a shoulder to cry on.  Our children always have a "daddy" to hug even if THEIR Daddy isn't home that night.  We make it through and we do a lot of it together.  I've learned very quickly there is no shame in asking for help because I will be asked back.  We don't keep tally's and we don't keep secrets.  We don't knock on the door, we walk in, we don't call before we come because we are always welcome and we don't take no for an answer.  These aren't just friends, these are extended family and I wouldn't have it any other way!

So for all the things I never thought I would do, and for all the places I never thought I would go....HA!  Look at me now!  I'm doing it and I'm going there!  So if you think you can't, you won't.  If you think you don't, you aren't.  However if you choose to, you will.  If you think you do, it's as good as done.

Carpe Diem-Seize the Day!!

It's Been Too Long...UPDATE!!

First I want to apologize that it has been so long since I last wrote.  I've had some computer problems that limited my access among some other issues I will let you know about over the last few months.  Thanks to my amazing Dad I no longer have computer issues and cannot use that as an excuse not to write!

Now I will try to make this update as short and sweet as possible, but if you know me you know that is probably going to be a promise I am bound to break.  It has been too long and I have much too much to tell.

Well, there is no better place to begin than the beginning, so I'll start with the beginning of the journey that has me writing this. So in case you haven't guessed, Curt's TDY was approved so he was able to fly home to help us move.  We chose to do a DITY (Do It Yourself) move, we have always moved our own things and didn't think much of it, but the furthest we had ever moved was the 2 hours from Tucson to Mesa.  We'd NEVER moved 2,500 miles and it is/was no easy task.  I will forever be a proponent of the Army moving us from here forward!

We made it safely and rather quickly if I do say so myself in 3.5 days.  We even managed to meet my sweet friend Jesslyn for brunch.  On our longest day we drove over 900 miles and 4 states.  Gunnar was in the Penske (aka "The Big Banana") with Curt for the whole trip.  That left me and our tortis George following in the Juke.

We made it to Ft. Bragg on Mother's Day evening.  We stayed in a short term apartment off post until our house was ready on Memorial Day weekend.  I won't lie, it was small.  Two bedrooms and one bathroom about the size of the bathrooms you find in an airplane.  NO JOKE!  All things considered though it wasn't too bad.  It was livable for sure, especially since we were told we would be relocated to a larger, renovated home in the future.  No one however could tell us when the "future" was, it could be 6 months or a year or more.

We got Gunnar enrolled in school to finish 1st grade and he loved his teacher and his school.  We started meeting people and making friends right away.  It was amazing!  We had our first BBQ before we ever even moved into our house and then those friends helped us move in.  Their names are Jay and Courtney and their children are Alex (7) and Hailey (2).  You will hear those names a lot.  Thank goodness for them, Jay specifically because there is no way I could have lifted some of our furniture up those stairs!

Then the real chaos began.  Curtis was in the field for a training exercise and had been gone almost a week when I went off post to do some errands while Gunnar was at school.  I got lost and ended up getting into a wreck.  I T-boned a white SUV, I still don't know what kind it was.  I was very luck that I didn't hurt anyone in the other car and that I was alone in mine, but I did total my brand new Juke.  I had minor injuries and was taken to the hospital by ambulance.  I was able to reach another friend I was supposed to be meeting to let her know what happened.  She was able to reach Curt's Commander in the field to let her know what happened.  Curt's Commander let him go to meet me at the hospital.  I was able to go home after several hours and multiple tests.  I had a minor concussion, lots of bruising and pain but I was thrilled to be alive and mostly unscathed considering the severity of the accident.  I think that little car saved my life....

A few days later Gunnar finished school for the summer.  No second car and a banged up Mama made for a blah start to the summer for G-man.  Then a week or so later we went to a marriage retreat a few hours away in Charlotte.  We had a great time and while there had a surprise call letting us know Curt had orders (don't get TOO excited) to move to the new house.  Apparently you need orders for EVERYTHING in the military.  More on that later. 

The good news was we were getting our newer, bigger house that much sooner!  On the other hand my mom was going to be there in a week and it was going to be Gunnar's birthday.  I was NOT looking forward to moving AGAIN.  My mom however thought it was a great idea to move while she was there.  She loves to move and decorate.  Ugh!  So we had to go to a briefing about the relocation due to renovations (or some such brief).  What I didn't know is the strange looking paperwork we got from the housing office was in fact Curt's orders for this move (they looked NOTHING like his other orders).  Silly me didn't bring them to the brief and since the briefs were only held on Friday's and Monday's we had to wait until the following Friday due to July 4th being a Monday.  The good thing about my little slip up....we wouldn't be moving while my mom was here or over G's birthday.  Gotta love when The Big Guy looks out for ya. 

Mom was here for Gunnar'sGunnar's birthday at Jay and Courtney's house because Alex and Gunnar were born a day apart and the boys hit it off right away so it just made sense.  A bit chaotic but still fun just the same, and the boys had a great time, so that's really all that matters.  We watched the fireworks from home to avoid the heat, humidity and most important (to me) the crowds!  

Before I knew it mom was heading home and it was back to life as normal.  Or as normal as it can be when all we seemed to be doing was moving.  This time it was MUCH easier!  The moving company came in and packed our house.  The next day they loaded the truck and unloaded at the new house.  Meanwhile my stress level was starting to go through the roof.  I was trying to get the car wreck taken care of, the move done, our AZ house sold, entertain G-man (poor guy) and tons of other little things.  Curt seemed to sense I needed a break and he couldn't get leave to go to NJ for a long weekend like we had planned.  That's when he decided to fly me and Gunnar out for a week while he stayed here.  I was beside myself.  I knew I needed a break and I wanted so badly to go and see family as well as to give G some (if short lived) enjoyable time during the summer.  I didn't want to leave my husband though.  There were times I wouldn't have thought much about it, but after being apart for so long and never knowing when he may have to leave again for training or the dreaded D word, I hate to be away if I don't have to be.

True to form Curt didn't let me dwell on it long.  He assured me the trip was exactly what I needed and that he would be fine and waiting right here when we got home.  We NEEDED to see family and to take a break from the chaos.  Damn I love that man!  He always knows what I need, even if sometimes I don't.

We had a great time in NJ.  I got to see family I haven't seen since I was a teenager.  Lots of cousins, some I hadn't even met since they were born after I left the East coast.  I was able to spend some quality time with my grandparents and my aunt.  I even got to see my Nana (mom's mom) and introduce Gunnar as a surprise!  She was so excited and shocked.  I don't think I'll ever forget the look on her face.  

Alright I know this is getting long, so let me try to sum this up for you.  We got the AZ house sold!  It was a short sale, but that is what we were going from from the beginning so it was no shock.  We put it on the market as a short sale and the first offer was accepted.  It was all a matter of the bank coming through and the paperwork being approved.  I'm happy to say all is complete.  Although I prefer to "never say never" I would also prefer NOT to purchase and/or sell another house until Curtis is retired from the military!  That was no piece of cake, and the only benefit for us is that we didn't have to foreclose.  I'm still working feverishly on trying to close my GAP claim from the wreck.  Gunnar started 2nd grade on August 25th.  He loves his school and is teacher.  He's also playing soccer with his first game coming up on the 17th.  

Okay, I know there is plenty more but I'll leave it here for now.  I promise I will keep up better on the blog.  I have so much I want to say, I just need to get it out of my head and onto the blog.  As you can see there have been HUGE victories in our lives over the last couple months.  Moving cross country in one piece as a family and staying in tact no matter the trials.  Overcoming a sever wreck and coming out stronger for it.  Moving AGAIN less than 2 months after getting here.  Making some great friends and being open to new people and new things.  It's not peaches and cream every day, but we make it work and we learn as we go.  What's your victory...big or small?

Extra Extra Read All About It....Orders Have Arrived!!

Curtis got his paper orders!!  Yes, you read right, after what has seemed like forever (I know it hasn't been that long, but the wait sure seemed like it) Curtis got his official paper orders.  For those of you that don't know what I'm talking about, paper orders are the final say so in where we will be heading on our journey.

Drum roll please....Ft. Bragg, NC is going to be our new home starting in May for an undetermined amount of time.

Although this was not on the coveted "wish list", I for one couldn't be happier about our new destination.  This desert rat is ready to head back to her ocean roots for a while and this is as close as I'm going to get.  About 2 hours from the Atlantic ocean.  Not the same beach I grew up on, but a "new" me allows for new beaches in the sands of life.  I hear the North Carolina shores are beautiful and I cannot wait to sink my toes into the sand and sea!  Another major plus is that we will be much closer to many of my family members that we haven't seen in years.  Some who have never even met Curtis and Gunnar due to the distance and cost to visit one another. 

As much as I am going to miss my family and friends here and yes even the desert I have grown to love dearly, I am excited for this new era of our lives to begin.

Full of Surprises

Well 2011 sure has been full of surprises and it continues to be!  This comes to you a little bit late, but my husband is not the easiest person to reach these days, and I did need to let him know of the "little" surprise first ;-)


So without further a due....I give you the new addition to our "family" the 2011 Nissan Juke S!  The Juke is considered a Sport Crossover.  It has 4 doors and a lot of space inside with the great gas mileage that I was missing in my trailblazer.  My favorite feature is the hands free bluetooth that can connect up to 5 phones.  Now I can talk and drive on post (that means I can call for directions)!!

Front View

Side View

I call her my Bugga Boo, but my Dad and sister think she should ribbit instead of beep so I guess they think she's more like a frog!  Curt's comment after seeing a picture was " It's a little funny looking.  I think it suites us!"  I had to laugh, it was a very Curtis thing to say.  Either way I think she's perfect! 

I have to admit, I've never purchased a vehicle on my own before.  I'm sure that is no big shock to those of you who know me well or who read my blog often.  Here's the kicker...Curt was in the field and had no idea I was even considering a new car!  Lucky for me, Curt and I have a very open and understanding marriage and once I told him of "our" purchase, he said he had full trust that I had made the right decision for our family and he was proud of me for doing it on my own. (Que the "awe's)  He also said that he would not have been nearly as comfortable with me doing something like this without him 8 or 10 months ago, but I am a much more independent and researched person than the woman he left. 

It was a very true statement, but also a bit shocking.  I didn't realize my husband had noticed how much I have changed.  It's not that I think he is oblivious to the changes, it has more to do with being 900 miles apart and having minimal communication.  I guess I didn't realize how much he had/has been privy to through that little bit of communication.  It is pretty eye opening.

I am really thrilled with the whole process, I was able to accomplish a goal I had set before Curt left for BCT, actually come to think of it, I had been trying to trade in the trailblazer since he enlisted to no eval.  It wasn't until I re-evaluated what we really needed, as opposed to what I thought we needed/wanted in a vehicle and I opened up all my options.  Once my views were no longer set in my typical black and white ways I had more vehicles available to choose from.  This gave me a bargaining chip I hadn't previously had.

Once I found the Juke, I knew it was right for us and it was a matter of getting a decent trade in for the trailblazer and the right payment for the Juke.  This is another place where the "old" me would typically get suckered.  In the past I would have either left the dealership with a vehicle I wasn't thrilled with, just to get rid of the trailblazer or I would have succumbed to a price was neither comfortable with or could reasonably afford.

Instead I bartered.  I walked in with all the documents I knew I would need in the event we could work out a deal, so that they knew I meant business.  I also didn't take the first offer that came down the pipe.  Not only did it not fit my budget, but I knew I could do better.  So I countered, they countered, I countered once more and we had a deal.  Just before midnight I had signed everything and I was heading home wondering how on earth I was going to get up for work in less than 3 hours, but I really didn't care at that point, I was elated!  I was truly victorious in my own right, and thrilled to have come to a point in my life where Mrs. Indecisive had become Mrs. Decisive.  

Victory abounds in my life....as it should!

Strength

When I look up the definition of strength the definitions come up in this order.

1. Physical power: the physical power to carry out demanding tasks

2. Emotional toughness: the necessary qualities required to deal with stressful or painful situations

There are many more definitions that follow, but these two and their placements stood out to me.  I have needed a great deal of strength over the last many months and I have come to the conclusion that without having the physical power first, I would not have had the subsequent emotional toughness I needed to complete each task or to get through each trial that has been handed to me as of late.  It was an interesting realization.  In the past I never would have associated myself with any connotation of the word strong, and yet I find myself at times now defining the above two definitions of strength more often than not.

I have never been physically strong, even when I was younger and I played sports, I was not what would be considered "good".  In fact I got the best hustle award EVERY year in soccer.  Hey, if nothing else I was consistent.  I was a team player, and I played with my heart, but I wasn't a strong player.  I haven't really thought much about that until now.  I enjoyed playing, so I played.  I didn't care that I wasn't the best, it was never my goal to be the best.  Maybe it should have been, maybe I would have worked harder and been stronger if it was, but it wasn't.  We had other players that were great and they compensated for my weaknesses.  We subsequently almost never lost.  Maybe I would have felt differently if I had played on a losing team, but I doubt it, winning was great, but again playing was my ultimate goal.

Strength has never been my strong point.

Then there's the emotional strength.  HA!  Hahaha!  I couldn't, no wouldn't have been able to even tell you what that meant before November.  There was not an emotionally strong bone in my body.  I would cry at the drop of a pin, all it took was a sideways glance, a conversation started in the wrong tone of voice, or even less.  I was more like an emotional train wreck, but it was nothing new.  I had been that way my entire life.  Those who knew me either loved me for it or despite it depending on the day.  Looking back I can only wonder how and why, but it is not for me to judge why people put up with my emotional instability, only to be thankful they did so that I had the support to get to this point of reflection.

What I can tell you about strength is that I believe you have to have physical power before you can have emotional toughness.  Now I'm not saying I can go lift 1,000 lbs with my pinkie finger, what I mean is that there is a certain amount of actual physical power needed to be emotionally tough.  It takes a physical toll on your body (at least it does mine) to be at my strongest emotionally, and I am learning that the stronger my physical body is the better I can build my emotional strength.  If I am not as physically drained each time I need to be emotionally tough, the easier I find it to do the next time, and the next and the next.  You see where I'm going with this?

Our physical bodies and our minds are very much connected whether we realize it or not, whether we choose to believe it or not.  Think about the last time you cried, really sobbed, and how much energy it took.  Not only was that an emotional release, but a physical release as well.  Now consider how much physical strength it takes (that you don't even realize) to stay calm when you would rather cry, or scream, or simply give up completely and crawl back in bed.  How much more strength does it take to keep going? 

So when I say that I AM strong.  That I at times define strength.  I am not full of myself, I am not conceited, and I am not on my high horse.  I have come a very long way from the person I was when Curtis left for BCT, from the person I was before we ever started this journey and I have earned the right to BE strong, to exemplify strength in everything I say and do.  I may do it for my son, I may do it for my husband, but ultimately I do it for me, because if I don't do it for me first I cannot possibly do it for them next.

I will leave you with this to ponder...sometimes it takes the most strength to admit that you are at times weak and need the help of others....never be afraid to ask for help, you are only as strong as your greatest weakness.

A BIG THANK YOU!

I want to say a BIG thank you to my baby sister for all her help last week with G-man!  Gunnar was on spring break and my sister spent the week entertaining him, helping with homework, reading, and all around just being the Gr8Kate that she is!  I could not have gotten through last week without her help, she made it possible for me to get through a difficult week and keep everything peaceful and fun for Gunnar.  She road bikes and played basketball with him.  They built Lego's, this is always a Gunnar favorite!  She took him hiking and to Crackerjacks Amusement Park.  They went to see Mars Needs Moms at the movies and even a spring training baseball game!  I'm not sure who was more exhausted by the end of the week, but I know they both had a wonderful time and this mom/big sister could not be more grateful.


Kate,


I don't think I tell you enough just how special you are and how much you mean to me.  How much respect I have for the person you are and the person you continue to become.  You are an amazing person with so much potential to do whatever you choose, and I cannot wait to see what decision you make with that wonderfully intriguing brain of yours.  You never cease to rise to any challenge, whether it's one you give yourself, or one someone else puts upon you.  You are strong, intelligent, beautiful inside and out, and you have a heart of gold.  I am now, always have been and always will be proud to call you my sister.  I am all too aware that you are fully grown, but "baby girl" is what you will be to me forever and always.  No matter how many miles may soon separate us, you will never be far from my heart.  I hope you remember all the great times we have enjoyed together, and I know there are plenty more where those came from.  As we've grown older our lives have gone in different directions, but my love for you has only grown in leaps and bounds with years, age and maybe even a little bit of wisdom thrown in.  Never forget that I am and always will be there for you even if I may be far away.  I love you more than my words can express Baby Girl, but I figured now was as good a time as any to try.

I love you forever,
Xoxo
Jenni

Day 30-A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Day 30-A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Wow I cannot believe I am on the last day of the challenge...I know it has not been a continuous 30 day span, but I knew the timing would not allow for that.  I thank all of you who have gone through this journey with me.  I knew this challenge would be well, challenging, but I did not anticipate all of the emotion it would bring forth in me.  Some of these questions were easy for me to answer.  I know who has impacted my life the most, I know the people I will put my life on the line for, they are the same people that keep me alive each day and like the title says, they are the people giving me a little more life to live.  

Other questions were not nearly as simple to answer.  Whether is was because I had to first be honest with myself before I could write a blog for people to read addressing the topic at hand, or because I had to tackle demons from my past, or because I had to make my opinion known on subjects that are not popular conversation pieces, and my opinion is not widely viewed as politically correct.  Either way, I took the challenge to answer each question honestly and to the best of my ability.  I can truly say I did that and I do not regret taking this challenge.

This blog as you know is about victories, big and small, and although each topic may not have addressed a specific victory, completing the challenge and being raw and honest in it's entirety is my victory this time.  I learned a great deal about myself from this and I'm sure those of you who have followed along have learned quite a bit about me as well.  So I want to thank you for taking this journey with me, for learning and growing and not taking any of our victories, big or small for granted any longer.

And now, on with the show...the last topic, and a difficult one at that. Day 30-A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Dear Jenni, 

I love you because you are genuine, you love those around you without conditions, without reason, without thought as to why they should "deserve" your love, or what you will gain in return.  I love that you trust, even to the point of hurt sometimes, because I still believe people should be trusted until they prove they cannot be.  I love that you are simple and yet still complex.  You are intelligent, and you have the ability to do things beyond your own comprehension, focus and realize that you are strong.  It's no longer a front.  I am so proud of you for all that you have learned about yourself and all that you have stepped up to do that you never would have even tried to do before.  I love you for being willing to finally take a chance and step out of your comfort zone to do not only what needed to be done, but what you know you wanted to do for Curt after all he's done for you.  It's not nearly enough, but it's a huge step in the right direction for a woman who previously wouldn't have even gone near the edge of the box, let alone outside it's walls that are so well known.  I love you for never giving up even when you wanted to.  I love you for making the smartest choice of your life when you chose your husband, because he truly is your soul mate and has been by your side every step of the way no matter how hard you pushed, pulled or otherwise.  It will always be your best decision.  I love you for finding it in you to let him love you no matter how unlovable you felt at times, it has brought you to where you are today and where you can accept his love for all that it is and all that is always has been and always will be.  I love you for doing your damnedest to be the best mother you can be, no matter how hard it gets, no matter how many times you get frustrated, remember he is your miracle baby and he is worth every frustration that comes with him.  Remember to breathe first, and use no as a last resort.  I know you will get there, Rome wasn't built in a day.  I love you for trying, I love you for meaning well even when you do say no, even when no comes out too often.  I love you for being you, for all your good qualities and all your flaws, I love you because you are uniquely you and no one else can do what you do, love like you love and be who you are to those around you.  I love you for taking the time to sit down and type this out, for understanding that you are lovable and you are loved.  The healthiest way to move forward in this wonderful new journey is to begin by loving you, so that you can accept the love of those around you.  It's time for a change, and what a better time than now, so tomorrow is a new day and each day I will remind myself that I love me for me and I don't need any other reason.

Love Always, 

Jenni