I never expected any of this to be easy, in fact we waited so long for Curt to join the military because I knew it was going to be hard. At that point, I just didn't know exactly why it was going to be so hard for me. I figured it would be the usual difficulties of military life, long hours, trainings, deployments, not enough family time and too much work. The truth is we are very fortunate, the hours are usually reasonable, the training schedule is tolerable and there is a lot more family time in the Army than there ever was in our civilian life. As for deployments, well there is nothing wonderful about them, but they are part of the job and par for the course. I knew when he signed on the dotted line that we weren't coming out of this without some deployment knowledge under our belts. So, no matter how easy or difficult each of these things may be, either separate or all together, they are still not what makes this at times such a difficult life for me to lead.
It's me. Yes, it's me, I make it difficult. Not any one thing and no one person other than myself can be blamed for the perceived hardships that I seem to face. Why? Why, because I bring them on myself. I offer things that I am simply not fully capable of, or that I have not completely thought out. Or maybe I think I am, or have, but I can't possibly run through all the possible scenarios in my head no matter how hard I try, so when the one scenario that I didn't account for happens....my anxiety kicks into overdrive and I'm out. I bite off more than I can chew, more times than I can count, and I end up overworked, overwhelmed and exhausted, and sometimes I can pull it off, but other times I don't have it in me to keep up.
seem to I have this inability to say no, combined with this innate ability to insert my ability to help with anything under the sun. I have this fear of rejection, of the potential repercussions of saying no, of simply upsetting someone, or letting them down. I hate the idea of not being there when someone needs something, whoever or whatever that may be. The problem has become, my inability to say no has left me neglecting the people I love them most...my family.
Nothing was ever supposed to, or should have come before my family. It shouldn't hurt this bad if I'm helping. Too many tears have already been shed, it's time to refocus on what matters most. I know in my heart the people that love me for me will stand by me (some already are) and the ones who only see/saw me as a taxi/babysitter/party planner/FRG Leader/Etc are just the "fluff". There will always be people who are fillers in your life and then there will be real friends. Right now I need my real friends, not the "fluff".
So in the spirit of getting back to me and getting back to the reason for this blog, I'm setting some goals. My goals are strictly for me, but I will let you know when I meet them and if I am staying or straying from them. I promise to be honest, not only with you, but with myself.
- Focus on family
- Focus on getting back to me
- Blog once a week or more
- Work out 4-5 times a week
- Loose weight