A weighty Issue

Weight is a touchy subject with most women.  Even women I consider to be flawless can find fault with their selves, I believe in some respects it is part of how we are hard wired as women to find fault with our appearance.  Weight for me has always been a sore subject.  Even at my smallest adult size I was never happy with that size or my own body. 

I have struggled with my weight all my life.  As a "tween" I was usually bigger than most of my friends, the same as a teen.  As an adult I have struggled more so.  In my early twenties, when I met Curt, I was as small as I had been in years.  It was as close to being happy with my appearance as I had ever come.  After dating for a while, we settled into a routine and I gained some weight, which wasn't unusual for me.  I was still within my normal "range" so to speak. 

Then I got pregnant with Gunnar and ballooned up to the highest weight I had ever been.  Yes I realize that is what happens when you are pregnant, you gain weight.  This was an exorbitant amount of weight, on top of the "settled" weight I had already put on.  It took until Gunnar was 2 years old until I was finally back down to a more manageable weight for me.  It still was no where near ideal in my eyes, but it was better.

About 7 months later I started getting sick.  My doctor changed some of the medication I was on, and things didn't go exactly as planned, and I got worse.  The resulting changes in medication, along with many other factors, led me to gain an exorbitant amount of weight over a very short period of time.  Over the next few years I was so unhappy with my weight and how I felt in general that I continued to eat, and gain, eat and gain.  It was a viscous cycle that I could not seem to break.

During this time, my migraines, which had been at bay for years, had returned with a vengeance.  I saw doctor after doctor, and no one seem to know what was going on.  Finally my Dad was able to refer me to a neurologist who specializes in headache medicine.  I started seeing him in April and he has helped my get my migraines under control.  Since he was able to help me relieve my constant, nearly debilitating pain, he was able to also help me take back control of my life and in essence my weight.  The medication for the migraines helps keep my appetite at bay, and not being in pain helps me be more active.  In short, I have been able to lose just over 50 lbs since April.

Now the reason I had to tell you all of that is so I can tell you this...because I have lost that weight I don't have clothes that fit, and I am trying to lose quite a bit more, so it doesn't make sense to spend the money on new clothes.  Being that I have an avoidance issue, I have tried having things that I already have altered, and that works ok, but it's not ideal.

I actually have a fair amount of clothes in my current size, my dilemma was, that they were at a "friends" house who has chosen not to speak to me for some time now, for reasons I do not know or understand.  So after putting on yet another pair of pants that didn't fit, I bit the bullet and sent the dreaded e-mail.  I asked for my clothes back and requested that if I was not home to leave them at my door.

About an hour later my door bell rings and I have a box shoved in my face.  I look over the top of the box to see said "friend" scowling at me.  She then asks if I have any of her clothes to return, to which I calmly report that they have all been given to goodwill as per her instructions to my husband in October.  She then gets red in the face and says that she said only the clothes that were in the garage (like she would know what clothes I had where, com'on) and that she did not say ALL.  I simply said "I'm sorry for the miscommunication but Curt asked several times and both you and your husband confirmed that the clothes were to go to goodwill, and that's where they went.  At that point she turned to go, and suddenly turned around and asked if she could ask me a question.  I say sure, and she asks through gritted teeth why I stopped being her friend. 

At this point I'm a bit dumb struck, because she is the one that stopped speaking to me, and deleted me from facebook.  So I say exactly that, and she starts yelling loud enough for any neighbor to hear (we were outside) about how it was all my fault and that I stopped talking to her and deleted her, yada, yada.  I told her I wasn't going to stand there and continue to be screamed at, that whatever way she wants to see it we stopped talking.  At any point either of us could have chosen to step up and say something, and neither did, what’s done is done.  Then she proceeded to tell me what an awful person I am and how Curt and I just used her and her family, yada, yada

I know this sounds crazy in a small victory blog, but it is a victory for me.  I never before would have had the courage to ask for my things back from someone like that.  I would never before have been able to keep my composure during or even after that type of scene the way I did today, and I never would have ventured to do any of it alone, like I did.  So as strange as it may be, there are many victories for me in a very weighty issue, that I hope to continue to resolve one day at a time.