Friday, December 3, 2010

Randomness from tired eyes...

I was driving home today, well yesterday I guess if you want to get techenical, and I was listening to a song I have heard many times.  One I enjoy listening to.  It's called "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry (a country band for those of you who don't know).  The title sounds a bit morbid, but the song is really lovely, and the girls voice is almost magical.  Now of all the times I have listened to this song, I almost always sing along, just as I did on my way home.  That's when I caught myself singing this lyric "Gather up your tears, keep ‘em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need 'em oh

Something about these words in my current life struck a very deep cord.  I have shed very few tears since Curt left, and for anyone who knows me, that is a rarity in any situtation for me.  So for me to be able to keep my composure, for this long, and this well, is unheard of.  I'm simply someone who is very emotional and wears my heart on my sleeve at all times.  Now my lack of  tears is in no way for a lack of missing my husband.  I check the mail every night, where sometimes it went days unchecked.  My phone is never away from my side, laugh if you must, but even in the bathroom, the Army waits for no one and nothing.  You can bet I'll be damned if I'm going to miss my 30 second phone call because I had to pee!

That being said, this lyric "Gather up your tears, keep ‘em in your pocket Save them for a time when your really gonna need 'em oh" seemed to say it so perfectly for me.  Gather up your tears, and save them for a time when your really gonna need them.  I think I finally understand that this isn't my time to need tears.  As hard as it is to be away, Curt is safe.  There is nothing right now putting him in harms way, and nothing will be for the forseeable future.  When that time comes, and we have something we have to deal with together, whether it may be a deployment, an unaccomponied tour, or whatever else the Army has in store for us, maybe that is when I will gather the tears from my pocket, because then I will really need them.  For now, my husband is safe, we are both learning new things by the day, and in my tired eyes, this so far is turning out to be a pretty amazing experence all around.

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