Extra Extra Read All About It....Orders Have Arrived!!

Curtis got his paper orders!!  Yes, you read right, after what has seemed like forever (I know it hasn't been that long, but the wait sure seemed like it) Curtis got his official paper orders.  For those of you that don't know what I'm talking about, paper orders are the final say so in where we will be heading on our journey.

Drum roll please....Ft. Bragg, NC is going to be our new home starting in May for an undetermined amount of time.

Although this was not on the coveted "wish list", I for one couldn't be happier about our new destination.  This desert rat is ready to head back to her ocean roots for a while and this is as close as I'm going to get.  About 2 hours from the Atlantic ocean.  Not the same beach I grew up on, but a "new" me allows for new beaches in the sands of life.  I hear the North Carolina shores are beautiful and I cannot wait to sink my toes into the sand and sea!  Another major plus is that we will be much closer to many of my family members that we haven't seen in years.  Some who have never even met Curtis and Gunnar due to the distance and cost to visit one another. 

As much as I am going to miss my family and friends here and yes even the desert I have grown to love dearly, I am excited for this new era of our lives to begin.

Full of Surprises

Well 2011 sure has been full of surprises and it continues to be!  This comes to you a little bit late, but my husband is not the easiest person to reach these days, and I did need to let him know of the "little" surprise first ;-)


So without further a due....I give you the new addition to our "family" the 2011 Nissan Juke S!  The Juke is considered a Sport Crossover.  It has 4 doors and a lot of space inside with the great gas mileage that I was missing in my trailblazer.  My favorite feature is the hands free bluetooth that can connect up to 5 phones.  Now I can talk and drive on post (that means I can call for directions)!!

Front View

Side View

I call her my Bugga Boo, but my Dad and sister think she should ribbit instead of beep so I guess they think she's more like a frog!  Curt's comment after seeing a picture was " It's a little funny looking.  I think it suites us!"  I had to laugh, it was a very Curtis thing to say.  Either way I think she's perfect! 

I have to admit, I've never purchased a vehicle on my own before.  I'm sure that is no big shock to those of you who know me well or who read my blog often.  Here's the kicker...Curt was in the field and had no idea I was even considering a new car!  Lucky for me, Curt and I have a very open and understanding marriage and once I told him of "our" purchase, he said he had full trust that I had made the right decision for our family and he was proud of me for doing it on my own. (Que the "awe's)  He also said that he would not have been nearly as comfortable with me doing something like this without him 8 or 10 months ago, but I am a much more independent and researched person than the woman he left. 

It was a very true statement, but also a bit shocking.  I didn't realize my husband had noticed how much I have changed.  It's not that I think he is oblivious to the changes, it has more to do with being 900 miles apart and having minimal communication.  I guess I didn't realize how much he had/has been privy to through that little bit of communication.  It is pretty eye opening.

I am really thrilled with the whole process, I was able to accomplish a goal I had set before Curt left for BCT, actually come to think of it, I had been trying to trade in the trailblazer since he enlisted to no eval.  It wasn't until I re-evaluated what we really needed, as opposed to what I thought we needed/wanted in a vehicle and I opened up all my options.  Once my views were no longer set in my typical black and white ways I had more vehicles available to choose from.  This gave me a bargaining chip I hadn't previously had.

Once I found the Juke, I knew it was right for us and it was a matter of getting a decent trade in for the trailblazer and the right payment for the Juke.  This is another place where the "old" me would typically get suckered.  In the past I would have either left the dealership with a vehicle I wasn't thrilled with, just to get rid of the trailblazer or I would have succumbed to a price was neither comfortable with or could reasonably afford.

Instead I bartered.  I walked in with all the documents I knew I would need in the event we could work out a deal, so that they knew I meant business.  I also didn't take the first offer that came down the pipe.  Not only did it not fit my budget, but I knew I could do better.  So I countered, they countered, I countered once more and we had a deal.  Just before midnight I had signed everything and I was heading home wondering how on earth I was going to get up for work in less than 3 hours, but I really didn't care at that point, I was elated!  I was truly victorious in my own right, and thrilled to have come to a point in my life where Mrs. Indecisive had become Mrs. Decisive.  

Victory abounds in my life....as it should!

Strength

When I look up the definition of strength the definitions come up in this order.

1. Physical power: the physical power to carry out demanding tasks

2. Emotional toughness: the necessary qualities required to deal with stressful or painful situations

There are many more definitions that follow, but these two and their placements stood out to me.  I have needed a great deal of strength over the last many months and I have come to the conclusion that without having the physical power first, I would not have had the subsequent emotional toughness I needed to complete each task or to get through each trial that has been handed to me as of late.  It was an interesting realization.  In the past I never would have associated myself with any connotation of the word strong, and yet I find myself at times now defining the above two definitions of strength more often than not.

I have never been physically strong, even when I was younger and I played sports, I was not what would be considered "good".  In fact I got the best hustle award EVERY year in soccer.  Hey, if nothing else I was consistent.  I was a team player, and I played with my heart, but I wasn't a strong player.  I haven't really thought much about that until now.  I enjoyed playing, so I played.  I didn't care that I wasn't the best, it was never my goal to be the best.  Maybe it should have been, maybe I would have worked harder and been stronger if it was, but it wasn't.  We had other players that were great and they compensated for my weaknesses.  We subsequently almost never lost.  Maybe I would have felt differently if I had played on a losing team, but I doubt it, winning was great, but again playing was my ultimate goal.

Strength has never been my strong point.

Then there's the emotional strength.  HA!  Hahaha!  I couldn't, no wouldn't have been able to even tell you what that meant before November.  There was not an emotionally strong bone in my body.  I would cry at the drop of a pin, all it took was a sideways glance, a conversation started in the wrong tone of voice, or even less.  I was more like an emotional train wreck, but it was nothing new.  I had been that way my entire life.  Those who knew me either loved me for it or despite it depending on the day.  Looking back I can only wonder how and why, but it is not for me to judge why people put up with my emotional instability, only to be thankful they did so that I had the support to get to this point of reflection.

What I can tell you about strength is that I believe you have to have physical power before you can have emotional toughness.  Now I'm not saying I can go lift 1,000 lbs with my pinkie finger, what I mean is that there is a certain amount of actual physical power needed to be emotionally tough.  It takes a physical toll on your body (at least it does mine) to be at my strongest emotionally, and I am learning that the stronger my physical body is the better I can build my emotional strength.  If I am not as physically drained each time I need to be emotionally tough, the easier I find it to do the next time, and the next and the next.  You see where I'm going with this?

Our physical bodies and our minds are very much connected whether we realize it or not, whether we choose to believe it or not.  Think about the last time you cried, really sobbed, and how much energy it took.  Not only was that an emotional release, but a physical release as well.  Now consider how much physical strength it takes (that you don't even realize) to stay calm when you would rather cry, or scream, or simply give up completely and crawl back in bed.  How much more strength does it take to keep going? 

So when I say that I AM strong.  That I at times define strength.  I am not full of myself, I am not conceited, and I am not on my high horse.  I have come a very long way from the person I was when Curtis left for BCT, from the person I was before we ever started this journey and I have earned the right to BE strong, to exemplify strength in everything I say and do.  I may do it for my son, I may do it for my husband, but ultimately I do it for me, because if I don't do it for me first I cannot possibly do it for them next.

I will leave you with this to ponder...sometimes it takes the most strength to admit that you are at times weak and need the help of others....never be afraid to ask for help, you are only as strong as your greatest weakness.

A BIG THANK YOU!

I want to say a BIG thank you to my baby sister for all her help last week with G-man!  Gunnar was on spring break and my sister spent the week entertaining him, helping with homework, reading, and all around just being the Gr8Kate that she is!  I could not have gotten through last week without her help, she made it possible for me to get through a difficult week and keep everything peaceful and fun for Gunnar.  She road bikes and played basketball with him.  They built Lego's, this is always a Gunnar favorite!  She took him hiking and to Crackerjacks Amusement Park.  They went to see Mars Needs Moms at the movies and even a spring training baseball game!  I'm not sure who was more exhausted by the end of the week, but I know they both had a wonderful time and this mom/big sister could not be more grateful.


Kate,


I don't think I tell you enough just how special you are and how much you mean to me.  How much respect I have for the person you are and the person you continue to become.  You are an amazing person with so much potential to do whatever you choose, and I cannot wait to see what decision you make with that wonderfully intriguing brain of yours.  You never cease to rise to any challenge, whether it's one you give yourself, or one someone else puts upon you.  You are strong, intelligent, beautiful inside and out, and you have a heart of gold.  I am now, always have been and always will be proud to call you my sister.  I am all too aware that you are fully grown, but "baby girl" is what you will be to me forever and always.  No matter how many miles may soon separate us, you will never be far from my heart.  I hope you remember all the great times we have enjoyed together, and I know there are plenty more where those came from.  As we've grown older our lives have gone in different directions, but my love for you has only grown in leaps and bounds with years, age and maybe even a little bit of wisdom thrown in.  Never forget that I am and always will be there for you even if I may be far away.  I love you more than my words can express Baby Girl, but I figured now was as good a time as any to try.

I love you forever,
Xoxo
Jenni

Day 30-A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Day 30-A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Wow I cannot believe I am on the last day of the challenge...I know it has not been a continuous 30 day span, but I knew the timing would not allow for that.  I thank all of you who have gone through this journey with me.  I knew this challenge would be well, challenging, but I did not anticipate all of the emotion it would bring forth in me.  Some of these questions were easy for me to answer.  I know who has impacted my life the most, I know the people I will put my life on the line for, they are the same people that keep me alive each day and like the title says, they are the people giving me a little more life to live.  

Other questions were not nearly as simple to answer.  Whether is was because I had to first be honest with myself before I could write a blog for people to read addressing the topic at hand, or because I had to tackle demons from my past, or because I had to make my opinion known on subjects that are not popular conversation pieces, and my opinion is not widely viewed as politically correct.  Either way, I took the challenge to answer each question honestly and to the best of my ability.  I can truly say I did that and I do not regret taking this challenge.

This blog as you know is about victories, big and small, and although each topic may not have addressed a specific victory, completing the challenge and being raw and honest in it's entirety is my victory this time.  I learned a great deal about myself from this and I'm sure those of you who have followed along have learned quite a bit about me as well.  So I want to thank you for taking this journey with me, for learning and growing and not taking any of our victories, big or small for granted any longer.

And now, on with the show...the last topic, and a difficult one at that. Day 30-A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Dear Jenni, 

I love you because you are genuine, you love those around you without conditions, without reason, without thought as to why they should "deserve" your love, or what you will gain in return.  I love that you trust, even to the point of hurt sometimes, because I still believe people should be trusted until they prove they cannot be.  I love that you are simple and yet still complex.  You are intelligent, and you have the ability to do things beyond your own comprehension, focus and realize that you are strong.  It's no longer a front.  I am so proud of you for all that you have learned about yourself and all that you have stepped up to do that you never would have even tried to do before.  I love you for being willing to finally take a chance and step out of your comfort zone to do not only what needed to be done, but what you know you wanted to do for Curt after all he's done for you.  It's not nearly enough, but it's a huge step in the right direction for a woman who previously wouldn't have even gone near the edge of the box, let alone outside it's walls that are so well known.  I love you for never giving up even when you wanted to.  I love you for making the smartest choice of your life when you chose your husband, because he truly is your soul mate and has been by your side every step of the way no matter how hard you pushed, pulled or otherwise.  It will always be your best decision.  I love you for finding it in you to let him love you no matter how unlovable you felt at times, it has brought you to where you are today and where you can accept his love for all that it is and all that is always has been and always will be.  I love you for doing your damnedest to be the best mother you can be, no matter how hard it gets, no matter how many times you get frustrated, remember he is your miracle baby and he is worth every frustration that comes with him.  Remember to breathe first, and use no as a last resort.  I know you will get there, Rome wasn't built in a day.  I love you for trying, I love you for meaning well even when you do say no, even when no comes out too often.  I love you for being you, for all your good qualities and all your flaws, I love you because you are uniquely you and no one else can do what you do, love like you love and be who you are to those around you.  I love you for taking the time to sit down and type this out, for understanding that you are lovable and you are loved.  The healthiest way to move forward in this wonderful new journey is to begin by loving you, so that you can accept the love of those around you.  It's time for a change, and what a better time than now, so tomorrow is a new day and each day I will remind myself that I love me for me and I don't need any other reason.

Love Always, 

Jenni

Day 29-Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

Sorry I have NOT forgotten, life got in the way.  I will have an update when I am finished with this challenge

Day 29-Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I could swear I answered this question in a different form earlier...am I having deja vu?

Guess I'll have to come up with a different answer this time ;-)

So another thing I would change about myself is how reactive I am.  It's something I have been thinking about a lot lately.  Mostly because it has been happening more and more.  I have always been this way, but it tends to rear it's ugly head more often when I am stressed, and I have had my share of stress as of late, as much as I would like to deny it.

I assume things before I ask questions and I react based on my assumptions.  This more often than not gets me in trouble, and causes conflict with those I love most.  I don't usually do it directly as much with people I don't know because I don't like conflict, and yet I find that I create most of the conflict I have in my life by being reactive instead of proactive.

I need to learn to take a few breaths and a step back from the situation BEFORE I make any judgments.  I need to ask questions FIRST and make sure I know all the details.  I have learned from experience that when I do this I have a MUCH better response from people and I am able to not only better control my reaction and that in turn changes the way the other person reacts to me.  It makes for a calmer, more productive conversation and a faster resolution.

Now if I can just figure out how to take the reaction trigger out and replace it with a proactive trigger.....in the mean time I will be doing a lot of deep breathing and stepping back and probably a fair amount of biting my tongue until I have better control.  The good news is practice makes perfect, and I have the rest of my life to practice.  Feel free to remind me to practice if you find me being reactive.  A friendly reminder never hurts.

Day 28 -What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Day 28 -What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Well we can do this 2 ways....I did get pregnant.  Curt and I were already planning on getting married.  I just happened to have a bit of a belly when we did and we decided to expedite things a bit.  It was a personal preference for us.  We knew we loved each other and wanted to be married and we had no need for a big wedding and we both wanted to be married when the baby (Gunnar) was born.  It was really that simple.  I was never supposed to have children, Gunnar was a shock and a HUGE blessing.  We were over the moon excited that I was even able to get pregnant and we both wanted to be parents.  The only question we ever had was what date to get married.

If I were to get pregnant now....it would be a very scary and difficult situation.  There is no doubt in my mind (or Curt's I'm sure) that I would do everything humanly possible to keep the baby.  That being said, Gunnar was our miracle child and we have been told many, too many, times over, that to try again would most likely result in the loss of life.  Best case the baby, worst case both me and the baby.  So to make sure that Gunnar has a mommy as long as I have the ability to make the conscious choice to be one, and so that Curt never has to choose between me and our child, we make sure not to get pregnant.  After the 3rd or 4th doctor it was a pretty easy decision.  We know our other options, foster care, adoption.  We've gone rounds with the idea of foster care and I always come back to the same conclusion....I am not strong enough to give back a child I have loved.  As for adoption, it's not in the cards for us now, but you just never know what the future will hold.  I won't rule anything out.