On My Way

I'm on my way to making my goals that I set, little by little.  They may not seem like much to most, but to me they are life changing.  These are these goals I set for myself on May 8th.  That date happens to be the 1 year anniversary from when we moved here to Ft. Bragg.  It's hard sometimes to believe we have been here a year already, and other times it feels like this is the only life I've ever known.  Anyway, back on track.

Goals:

• Focus on family
• Focus on getting back to me
• Blog once a week or more
• Work out 4-5 times a week
• Loose weight 
• Read  

Of those goals I have managed to hit most, now 2 weeks later.  I have been able to focus on my family and myself.  I have been able to get to the gym for the last 7 straight days and I have lost 2.5 lbs in that time.  I have not yet cracked open a book, and I missed posting a blog last week.  Hey, 3 out of 5 ain't bad!  Especially when those 3 are the most focused on getting back to me and my family.

I've had a lot TON of encouragement and motivation from family and friends.  Gunnar even plays his DS at the gym if I can't go while he's in school and he tells me he's proud of me!  That right there makes it all worth it.

I'm not gonna lie, I don't enjoy working out, and I don't know that I will ever get to that point (quite frankly I'm sure I won't) but I enjoy how I feel after and I already like the results.  The elliptical machine is my nemesis.  When I started a week and a half ago I could barely do 2 minutes.  Today I was up to 20 with a 4 minute cool down.  Again, not fun per say, put when I see the calories burned after 20 minutes on that machine verses 20 minutes on the bike....I make it happen.  

Then one of the best things for me has been an app for my phone that a friend showed me.  It's called My Fitness Pal.  I can track everything, and I do mean everything.  I can track my workouts  and I can track every bite of food that goes in my mouth.  You can even put in the caloric intake for your own recipes based on what you put in them.  I can even track my water intake for the day.  You can add friends, and comment on their progress.  You can track your weight and measurements.  I'm a very visual person, so this really puts this in perspective for me.

So all in all I think I'm doing pretty well.  I'll try to crack open a book this eek, but no promises, I'm still pretty busy and this week is no different.  I will do my best to post another blog before the end of the week, because writing is not only my outlet but my passion.  For those of you that read this, I thank you for sticking with me through the good and the bad.  This blog is supposed to be about victories big and small, so that is what I'm getting back to.

It's a roller coaster life, so lets put our hands in the air and enjoy the ride!

It Shouldn't Hurt to Help

I never expected any of this to be easy, in fact we waited so long for Curt to join the military because I knew it was going to be hard.  At that point, I just didn't know exactly why it was going to be so hard for me.  I figured it would be the usual difficulties of military life, long hours, trainings, deployments, not enough family time and too much work.  The truth is we are very fortunate, the hours are usually reasonable, the training schedule is tolerable and there is a lot more family time in the Army than there ever was in our civilian life.  As for deployments, well there is nothing wonderful about them, but they are part of the job and par for the course.  I knew when he signed on the dotted line that we weren't coming out of this without some deployment knowledge under our belts.  So, no matter how easy or difficult each of these things may be, either separate or all together, they are still not what makes this at times such a difficult life for me to lead.

It's me.  Yes, it's me, I make it difficult.  Not any one thing and no one person other than myself can be blamed for the perceived hardships that I seem to face.  Why?  Why, because I bring them on myself.  I offer things that I am simply not fully capable of, or that I have not completely thought out.  Or maybe I think I am, or have, but I can't possibly run through all the possible scenarios in my head no matter how hard I try, so when the one scenario that I didn't account for happens....my anxiety kicks into overdrive and I'm out.  I bite off more than I can chew, more times than I can count, and I end up overworked, overwhelmed and exhausted, and sometimes I can pull it off, but other times I don't have it in me to keep up.  

I seem to I have this inability to say no, combined with this innate ability to insert my ability to help with anything under the sun.  I have this fear of rejection, of the potential repercussions of saying no, of simply upsetting someone, or letting them down.  I hate the idea of not being there when someone needs something, whoever or whatever that may be.  The problem has become, my inability to say no has left me neglecting the people I love them most...my family.

Nothing was ever supposed to, or should have come before my family.  It shouldn't hurt this bad if I'm helping.  Too many tears have already been shed, it's time to refocus on what matters most.  I know in my heart the people that love me for me will stand by me (some already are) and the ones who only see/saw me as a taxi/babysitter/party planner/FRG Leader/Etc are just the "fluff".  There will always be people who are fillers in your life and then there will be real friends.  Right now I need my real friends, not the "fluff".

So in the spirit of getting back to me and getting back to the reason for this blog, I'm setting some goals.  My goals are strictly for me, but I will let you know when I meet them and if I am staying or straying from them.  I promise to be honest, not only with you, but with myself.  

Goals:

• Focus on family
• Focus on getting back to me
• Blog once a week or more
• Work out 4-5 times a week
• Loose weight 
• Read

I think that's a good start.  If I need to add to it as I go, I will.